When relationships break down

Tips for dealing with separation, divorce, co-parenting, mediation and immature behaviour.

A man and a woman arguing Photo by Alena Darmel

Most people who follow me on social media or who have attended one of my classes or met me in person will know that a lot of my work is focused on helping people to create secure relationships and to handle conflict in intimate relationships. Over the years I have worked with individuals trying to repair relationships, manage betrayals and deal with insecure attachment destabilising what was once a loving relationship. I have also worked with parents trying to create security with their children. Adults trying to navigate relationships with emotionally immature parents and siblings and people working with narcissistic or difficult employers and managers.

However, I also work with people when their relationship has ended and they are trying to navigate this new territory. In fact, I think in the past 5 years this has been a large part of my coaching work. Many of these clients come because they are struggling with mediation, divorce, co-parenting, supporting their children to stay securely attached and very often immature exes who are making life difficult for them.

I love working with the first group as I often get messages about marriages being saved, children who are now speaking to their parents again. Adult children who have put boundaries in place with immature parents and clients feeling more in control, more confident and better able to stand up for themselves and express their boundaries.

With the second group sometimes the work is harder but the rewards come nonetheless. Smooth divorces, mediation with positive outcomes. co-parenting that prioritises the child and happy, healthy children who feel loved and supported. This is the work that saves sanity so, here are some of my tips for navigating these challenging experiences.

Dealing with an immature ex

Wouldn't the world be a wonderful place if all relationships that ended were a conscious uncoupling? Sadly in my experience this is rarely the case and many people have the difficulty of dealing with an immature, or even narcissistic ex, who derails all of their good work with children and sabotages mediation by being vindictive and childish.

On a side note, when I say narcissistic, I am not necessarily saying they are a full-blown narcissist, although they do exist. In my experience many people who have insecure attachment or are emotionally immature behave narcissistically but would not meet the criteria for full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD. Having met people with NPD you can usually spot the difference. The type and nature of the boundaries you put in place are different, as are the safety measures you need to enact. Having studied narcissism extensively and having worked with those dealing with narcissists and dealt with them myself I have also helped people navigate these types of relationships.

In my experience, for the most part, the ex is usually emotionally immature and narcissistic. They try to control the narrative, manipulate for their own gain and passive aggressively hurt those around them but usually, do have some semblance of empathy and remorse. This isn't a great consolation, however, as it is still is a minefield when dealing with them and everything that goes with separation.

The issues that arise appear to be the same across the board. They are as follows:

• Texting and messaging repeatedly and often abusively

• Using drop off or collection of children as a chance to discuss something and start and argument

• Manipulating meditation sessions by refusing to move forward

• Refusing to stick to agreements, childcare and financial arrangements

• Weaponising legal representatives against you

• Playing the victim

• Controlling the narrative to paint you as the aggressor

• Manipulating children to see you as the enemy

As I typed the list it made me realise how awful all that is and how those few lines are only the tip of the iceberg.

Tips for saving your sanity and getting through it

The first thing clients often need help with is the unwanted communication. The first three are some of the strategies my clients have successfully used.

Stopping the doorstep abuse. If your children are old enough then let them answer the door, or meet your ex outside so they don't come to the door at all. If they are young, arrange to meet them somewhere neutral so you can just let them hop into their car. Alternatively, have them drop them off at a neighbour's, friend's or family member's house. This is often only in the short-term because once they know you won't engage they stop trying.

Restricting messaging to email only. Tell them you will only correspond via email. Check email at a set time and inform your ex you're doing this. This stops them contacting you day and night as they know you won't reply. It also means you have a paper trail if they are abusive or difficult. You can also screen emails by filtering to a specific inbox and forward them to someone else to read them, if needed. If you have to use text message then use one for which you can turn off notifications and only check messages on the day your child is with them, again it is important they know this as it will stop them trying outside of this time.

Stop responding. One of the biggest challenges you will face is not rising to the bait. Many years ago, when I was stalked, I had to read a book called the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I recommend it to all my clients going through separation because it taught me one vital piece of information. That is, you teach the other person how to control you when you respond.

Say they message you ten times and you don't reply, then on the eleventh you do. You have now taught time it takes eleven messages to get a reply. Say they say some cruel things and you ignore it but they mention your parents and then you react. Now they know one of your buttons to push.

You have to give them no buttons and you do this by not replying. This is why filtering emails or only checking messages for certain things, or not at all, is important.

Be prepared. It is rare that I have worked with a client where their ex did not try to manipulate finances. You can get legal advice but in my experience the best strategy you can have is being prepared. What this means is you know everything you spend. Know the cost of the toothpaste you use for your child with gum disease. The type of cheese they eat. The cost of the cinema when they went with their friends. It is a pain to do but when your ex tries to offer the minimum in maintenance or child support you will be able to prove on paper why this is rarely enough.

You also need to be prepared for questions in mediation, speaking in court and dealing with judges. This type of rehearsal I do with my clients so we can anticipate what might happen so you don't get caught off guard.

Focus on your own parenting. This one is often a challenge as many parents want to protect their children as best they can from how the other parent behaves. Unfortunately, you can't. When you bad-mouth your ex, you don't protect your children. They don't stop loving them, they stop trusting you. You need to let them come to their own conclusions and support them if, and when, they get let down.

You do this by asking them what they think and how they would like to respond. For example, your ex misses a pick up and your child is left waiting. Don't hide your disappointment but don't use it as chance to say something negative about your ex. Say, 'I bet you're disappointed. I'm disappointed for you too.' Ask them how they feel and what they want to do now. Give them as much control as you can as they have just had control taken away from them. If they're angry, validate it, without piling anything on. Help them decide how they want to respond and if they want to say anything to the other parent when they see them.

Children often can see more than we think and it is important to help them navigate that and the ongoing relationship they will have with an emotionally immature or unreliable parent. You can't protect them from that, but you can give them the tools to cope with it whilst still having that relationship if they want it.

Manage your emotions and words. It is not unusual for the difficult ex to play the victim and be very plausible in mediation or legal contexts. Unfortunately, when this happens it is easy for you to appear as the irrational, angry or uncompromising one. I have seen it time and time again. They sit in mediation and act like the most rational and mature parent. Whilst you have had a litany of abusive messages and know they have missed payments and have changed custody or co-parenting arrangements multiple times.

When this happens it is easy to get frustrated and behave uncharacteristically. Remember that word. When you get accused of being difficult ask yourself is it characteristic or uncharacteristic behaviour? People who are coercive will make you behave uncharacteristically and that is when you look like you are the problem.

Being prepared for this is important. I teach my clients certain phrases to use. How to focus on outcomes, such as co-parenting, finances or divorce settlements and not get caught in the 'he said, she said'. You will always get a better response in mediation of you can be the rational one. When you are, it often causes the other party to show their true colours.

Pick your battles. It is often the case that my clients will get caught in the unfairness of their ex's behaviour. The changed arrangements, letting you down at the last minute. Reneging on agreements. These are all incredibly unfair but of you get caught trying to get justice you will lose your sanity along the way. Sometimes you have to play a long game, knowing that at some point you will be free of them as your children get older and their relationship with them is solely their responsibility.

If you struggle to compromise, you will get stuck in a battle with yourself because they will be happy that they are controlling you and still renting space in your head. Sometimes saying yes, can give you the smug satisfaction that they are, in fact, no longer controlling you but are naïve in their belief that they are.

Protect yourself and your children. I always have to ask this of my clients as once in a while they are separating from a true narcissist or an ex who is abusive. It is important that you have safety plans in place. People you can call and people who can be present if you need them to be when you have to meet your ex. Make sure people know what you are doing and where you are and keep a record of everything. Texts, emails, dates and times of meetings etc.

Your children also need to be a priority. Watch for changes in mood, resistant to see the other parent or uncharacteristic behaviour. It is not unknown for children to side with an abuser so watch if they are suddenly saying cruel or inappropriate things to you. In those moments you need to be the safe parent. If they think they can't talk to you or that you will react badly, they won't. If they are unsafe, you will never know. This is also why you need to manage your emotions with them. Make sure they are not afraid of upsetting you because then they are taking on the role of parenting you and will keep things from you to protect you.

Where to start

When clients first come to me, they are often at the end of their tether. They have tried everything and they are not getting the advice they need. At this point I always ask them to consider what their ideal outcome would be.

Is it divorce, better co-parenting, financial arrangements sorted or just to stop the arguments and controlling behaviour. This is a good starting point, Then it is easy to focus on one thing at a time, test it out and see what works and what doesn't.

Figuring out your, and their, attachment patterns is also helpful as then you can begin to spot the flash points for disagreements, unmet attachment needs and what they, and you, are trying to control.

Having family and friends as a support is also great but remember they may say the things you don't want to hear and give you advice that is unhelpful. This is where having a good coach who specialises in this and can be an independent observer is important. You also need good legal advice and if needed someone who understands narcissistic behaviour and coercive control.

I'd love to say it is easy, but sadly conscious uncoupling it is not, However, I can give you a list of clients who have successfully navigated this and have come out the other side. I know it is doable.

If you are interested in this type of coaching and need help navigating your separation then get in touch. We can create a bespoke coaching programme for you and your situation.

Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.

With love,

Elfreda x