Are you trying too hard?

Why learning to be with things as they are can lead to the biggest changes.

Image by Steve Buissinne from Pixabay

One of the hardest ideas to understand when learning about mindfulness is the concept of non-doing. The reason being that most people come to a mindfulness class to change something about themselves, or their life. They can't sleep, or their mind is racing or they struggle to relax. Ironically, the agenda is often the biggest obstacle they will face as they learn to allow things to change without expecting it to.

I had to explain this to a student again, this past week, when they said that trying to meditate was hard. I always respond to this in the same way. Yes, it is hard if you are trying to get somewhere or to make something happen.

It has struck me in the past couple of months that a new awareness of myself has emerged. The research tells us that people new to mindfulness meditation will experience the biggest shifts in awareness and for long-term meditators there is a sense of a plateau over time. This has definitely been my own experience. However, in the past few months I have noticed something different and that is less doing and more being.

How it all began.

Back in 2010 I decided to take up mindfulness meditation. I wasn't a complete newbie to meditation having done lots of visualisation type meditation in my twenties and having used it with students to help them relax. However, I had never learned how to practice formally and I had not ever practiced mindfulness.

I wanted to learn it because I had chronic insomnia and well hidden anxiety. I was living alone at the time and there were numerous nights when I felt like I couldn't swallow and I thought I was going to choke. I know now that I have a connective tissue disorder that can cause this feeling but this was definitely anxiety because when I started to meditate the feeling stopped.

My intention, at the time, was to use mindfulness to get rid of my anxiety and to sleep. It took two years before I had established a daily practice and it took a few more before I realised trying to reduce my anxiety and trying to improve my insomnia was never going to work. The problem was all the trying.

Stop trying so hard.

I knew when I meditated that something was working. I definitely felt different, I was more relaxed and I had fewer physiological sensations when I was stressed or anxious. I can't say my sleep was much better but over time I found I worried less about being away and how I would feel the next day when I hadn't slept.

I worried less about making mistakes and I started to trust myself a little more. Or more specifically I started to trust that other people weren't judging me in the way I had been taught to expect them to when I was young. I found that moments would go by when all I was focused on was the task in hand and not the millions of thoughts and conversations that usually swirled or raced around in my head.

One night I lay awake in bed, at first my mind started to do what it always did, plan. I found myself thinking of all the things I needed to do. I planned meals, clothes for each day of the week, conversations I probably would never have, a real sign of my anxiety, and ways to defend challenges from other people, that I know would never happen.

The child without a safe place to speak.

This is in some ways an aside. I am grateful you have got this far to read it. I recently saw a post about how some people who grew up in homes where their thoughts and ideas were judged or criticised, often have an inner dialogue with imaginary challengers rehearsing what they will say if someone asks.

It was the first time I had ever seen this mentioned and in that moment I felt seen, and a little exposed. I have never really spoken about this but I have spent my whole life rehearsing conversations. It was one of my signals that I had anxiety years ago because I knew it couldn't be healthy to be constantly anticipating other people's judgements. For the uninitiated in this type of anxiety here's how it goes.

I lose weight and I start to rehearse how I will explain to people what I have done and why. I gain weight and I start to rehearse how I have been ill and that my weight gain is not as a direct result of me being greedy or lazy. I decide to do something in my work that I haven't done before and I rehearse why I decided to do it and why it matters. I have a challenging conversation with someone and I rehearse how I will explain what I said and why.

This will not resonate with many of you reading this but for those of you who grew up in a highly critical environment who felt repeatedly judged you will most likely feel seen. This type of internal dialogue is a strategy developed to protect yourself from unwanted, anticipated, criticism. If you are prepared for every eventuality then they can't say something to shame or hurt you. As I explained to a student recently, it may be common but it is not healthy.

Image by Jakub from Pixabay

Back to sleepless nights and learning to just be.

That night as I lay awake cycling through my familiar inner conversations something crossed my mind. What if I just focused on where I was, my body, my breath and being in bed instead of freaking out that I couldn't stop thinking and would very likely be exhausted the next day. From that moment on I stopped worrying about my insomnia. I used the time to practice mindfulness and yes, I was often tired but I wasn't anxious about not sleeping.

Over time my sleep started to improve. I found I fell back asleep more nights than I stayed awake. I also noticed that this idea of not trying and just being started to filter into other areas of my life. I found my anxious response to stress of excessive planning started to abate. Sure I planned but once I did I stopped repeating the plan in my head ad infinitum.

It started to click with me that I had been trying to make things happen with my meditation, rather than learning to be curious about how things are. I stopped beating myself up for not being perfect and I started owning up to my flaws and weaknesses without being afraid of some imaginary backlash from the people around me.

One side of the story.

I'd be lying if I said that mindfulness was the only thing that freed me from my anxiety and insomnia. Lots of coaching and endless hours learning have also been key. I also realised that I needed to feel safe and free to be myself without being judged, if I was going to rewire some of the old habits of creating stories to defend myself against criticism and attack. Mindfulness helped me become familiar with my own internal world and my habitual thoughts and habits that drove my anxiety. Coaching helped me feel safe enough to trust myself and other people without fear of rejection and crippling shame.

Just as you are.

If you want anything to change you have to understand it. You have to let it be as it is and give it permission to speak. Then, and only then, can you understand what you need to feel better, to feel whole. For some many people mindfulness becomes a tool to fix what is wrong but this is where they fail. It is not about fixing anything. Everything you do has a purpose but when you allow yourself to be as you are, the door opens to new and more helpful ways of being.

I have changed so much in the past 15 years. My mind is less busy. My ongoing dialogue has lessened. I still do some of the things I did before but because I stay curious I am much quicker to find ways to help myself, and address my needs, instead of beating myself up because there is something wrong with me.

I have realised you can't do it alone and that was a hard lesson for me to learn as a fiercely independent, avoidantly attached, individual. What I love about coaching is that you soon realise you don't need the help forever. What I know about personal development is that most work is futile without self-awareness and, in my experience, mindfulness is the best thing you can learn to develop it.

Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.

Love,

Elfreda