The story of shame

Do you know your shame story and when and where it shows up?

I have been teaching a six week course helping individuals to be more trauma informed. One of the lessons is on shame and understanding how shame influences your behaviour and thinking. As part of the lesson I help students recognise their shame stories.

For most of my young adult life I knew what shame felt like. I knew the feeling of heat rising in my body and the desire to hide and never be seen again. I remember the sleepless nights recalling all my past mistakes, reliving the shame and unworthiness, and plotting ways to never make those mistakes again.

I remember the constant effort to be perfect, beyond reproach, and the crushing realisation, over and over again, that it was impossible and I would always be my shameful, unworthy self. I can also clearly remember the day when I understood that this was not normal and not something everyone did.

A dear friend listened as I described one of my night-time shame-fests and without a beat she said, 'that's not normal, not everyone feels that'. It was like a slap in the face. You mean other people didn't use shame as a way to guide their every move? They didn't have this deep-seated belief that they weren't good enough and that at some point they would be rejected when everyone else found out? I was stunned. Could this really be true?

Shame is given not earned.

When I teach my students about shame. I help them understand the different between shame, guilt and embarrassment.

Embarrassment is a social faux pas. It is universal and when we share it with others, our transgression it is often met with laughter and shared stories of similar mistakes that still bring a blush to the cheek.

Guilt is an error of judgement that inflicts some harm on another. It is a signal to repair and to make amends. This is the universal push to repair or to do better. If you are lucky you can repair with the person you hurt and if you are not then guilt is the catalyst for change. It can, and should be, the fuel to the fire of being a better human being, of making sure to not make the same mistakes again in future.

Shame is different. Shame is given to us in moments of humiliation and criticism. It is the feeling that there is something wrong with you because another person was not able to support you when you made a mistake. It is found in sentences that say, 'what is wrong with you?' and 'why would you do that?' and more. The tone is always the same. Your error is caused by some innate trait that is immutable and evidence that as a human being you are deeply flawed.

Shame stories are often the same.

When my students discuss their own shame stories common threads emerge. Not good enough, not lovable, something wrong with you and not wanted. I often hear my own shame story voiced out loud. 'They don't like you', 'they only put up with you because they have to', 'they only want you because they need something from you and when they don't need that anymore they will drop you'. You can read about an example of this in my last blog post.

When my students share these stories of shame they are often surprised to hear others think the same. They also remember the reason the story exists but haven't been able to separate the past from the present. They are also surprised to find that they have surrounded themselves with people who will make them feel ashamed all over again and will have ignored the ones who don't.

Brené Brown has taught me to be careful of the stories you tell yourself because you will put effort into proving that they are true. This was certainly true for me in my poor choices of friendships and relationships in the past.

Image by Ri Butov from Pixabay

Give the story back.

One thing that has helped me immensely to rid myself of much of my shame is to return it to where I got it. You will often hear recommendations to shut down your inner critic or to give it a name to highlight that it is the bad guy. I don't agree with that. Your inner critic is the holder of your shame story. To them they are using this to protect you, just like the person who shamed you thought they were doing too.

When I understood my own shame story. I also knew where I got it. I knew that they person who gave it to me also had their own shame story and their criticisms of me were their misguided attempt to protect me from the same fate.

I chose to honour this attempt at protection and preferred to return what was intended as a gift. I didn't do this in real life with a person but in a meditation. I saw the person who gave me the shame and thanked them for trying to protect me. I told them I no longer needed their gift of protection because I could protect myself. I helped them to let go of the shame they held too and freed us both from its pain and humiliation.

The process was incredibly cathartic. Not only did I feel lighter but I also felt grateful that I could help the other person too. I was grateful for the lessons that shame had given me and how it had shaped the kind of person that I am. However, most importantly, I knew that I didn't need shame any more in order to chose to be a better person or to make good choices, especially when I felt guilty.

The lesson learned.

During my most recent course. I had the opportunity to share a real-life example of knowing embarrassment from shame. I made a mistake that wasn't a big deal but enough to make me feel mortified at my own foolishness. In the past tis would have caused me to feel immense shame as I often confused the two. This time I laughed. I told the story to others who shared their own similar errors and basked in the shared connection of human failing. I knew in that moment that my own shame was no longer a driving force behind my actions and the timing was perfect to help my students see how shame can evolve and be released.

Shame is given to you, maybe it is time to give it back. Let guilt be the driver of your personal development, if you need it to. Share in the common humanity of embarrassment and give yourself permission to prove to yourself that your shame story isn't true.

I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who respect me. I no longer feel they are waiting to drop me and I have stopped trying to be perfect. If you find a typo in my post, you're welcome. I shall not wallow in embarrassment, I am human too.

Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.

Love,

Elfreda