What do you need? An attachment guide to security.
- Elfreda Manahan-Vaughan
- Mar 27
- 7 min read
How you offer support can either make someone feel secure or can trigger their attachment wounds.
When the help is not helpful
I am starting this blog with a story. When I originally planned it this wasn't part of what I was going to write but sometimes the universe gives you a gift of an example that explains exactly what you are talking about.
To add a little background first. I have been teaching a Personal and Interpersonal Skills course for the LMETB for the past month and one of the lessons is on giving and receiving support. I will talk a little more about this later, but one of the concerns of the topic recognising when support is not helpful. Although we all know what this is like when we are on the receiving end, it can be hard to pinpoint what the issue is, as it is often I felt experience rather than something concrete we can name. This often stems from the fact we feel it is unfair to criticise someone who is obviously trying to help. However, if we don't call out the impact and difficulty around insensitive or unsolicited advice, and support, we can never get better at supporting others or identifying our own needs.
So here's the story.
Organisations in Ireland, especially government funded organisations, have to send out a survey every year to assess how many individuals in those organisations have a life limiting illness or disability. Sadly, it is not done as a way to support those individuals more fully but is simply a number counting exercise to make sure they are meeting their requirements as equal opportunities employers.
Each year for the past five years I have had to complete this survey and each year I have had to answer 'yes', as I have a chronic illness that has, and can, impact my ability to work. However, this year, for some reason, the description changed, and for the first time I did not see myself, despite my illness, as someone who fell under the category they described. Initially, I felt concerned as I knew it might mean I would not be able to access support if my health deteriorated but on reflection, as it was only for statistics, I answered 'no' and left it at that.
A week passed by and as the reminders came through to complete the survey by a certain date the more curious I became about what had changed and so I emailed the survey distributor to ask that very question.
The person very kindly replied and explained that they had not changed the wording but had simply received it from the government department for inclusion in the survey. They also explained that I did in fact meet the criteria. They thanked me for bringing it to their attention and said they would send the email another time with a more specific list of examples, which they did. Here's where the problem arose and where the offer of support was unhelpful and fell short.
One of the things we are always taught is to recognise that no two people will experience their illness, or disability, in the same way and so we should never assume. You are also supposed to acknowledge that each individual is an expert in their own chronic illness and never assume anything about what they may, or may not, have done in attempts to manage their illness. Which is why it is always better to ask questions rather than offer unsolicited advice.
Surprisingly to me, a person who was working in this very area made that very mistake with me, and in their email shared a detail about their own experience with an aspect of my illness and then told me of an organisation that offered good advice. Okay, so I know some of you reading this will think, that what they did isn't bad and that they were just trying to be helpful but here's the problem. I didn't ask for advice, I asked why the criteria had changed.
Being seen is an attachment need.
When someone offers advice that isn't asked for they are alleviating their own discomfort, not yours. Offering a link to a website may be helpful but doing it without asking is assuming the person has never heard of it. As someone who has been ill for quite some time, believe me I have tried everything. Yes, I have tried turmeric, no I can't do cold water plunges, no I can't do yoga, yes I take Vitamin D and Magnesium and every other vitamin or supplement you can imagine. I have read books, listened to podcasts, spoken to experts and follow multiple individuals and organisations who deal with and research my illnesses. A simple question asking if I needed help would have been enough, but instead I was offered unsolicited advice and in that very moment I felt unseen.
I have written numerous times about the six attachment needs identified by Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld. For those unfamiliar, they are, in no particular order, Proximity, Sameness, Feelings, Significance, Belonging and Being Known. The research tells us that Being Known is the hardest one of the attachment needs to have met and the one that often causes the greatest feelings of insecurity.
When we are known we are seen. We feel safe to be ourselves and not afraid of being judged, belittled or humiliated. It takes all the pretence out of your behaviour and removes the fear that you will be rejected for not being good enough or because their is something wrong with you.
The right kind of support builds security.
Each one of us has an innate drive to feel safe. Safety, initially, is physical, the knowledge that you won't be harmed. For many people this is a given, thankfully. For others, it is their primary concern. However, when physical safety is met then we move on to emotional and cognitive safety which is feeling safe to express out thoughts and feelings. This is the one that most people who have parents who met their physical needs but still have attachment wounds are missing.
Being overly corrected or criticised causes attachment insecurity as does being laughed at or shamed for your thoughts or actions. So doesa lack of attunement or understanding when you are upset and in need of emotional support. As I taught my students the wrong kind of emotional support, this was the one that resonated the most.
It is the moment when someone says, 'you know what you should do', or 'have you tried', or 'such and such has what you have and they use'. It also shows up in dismissive responses like not asking what someone needs and offering advice anyway (see above) or when someone changes the subject or says something like 'it could be worse'.
Real emotional support starts with empathy, meeting the person where they are at and asking questions to clarify how you can help them rather than making an assumption. The topic of questions led to a very interesting discussion when we moved on to practical support.
Take the whole load not just the task
When someone needs practical support or when we are unsure what might be helpful we can often be quick to tell them we are there if you need them. This is a lovely thing to offer however, if someone is already overwhelmed then this can be another thing added to their mental load as they try to thing of what you could help with. I learned this a number of years ago but one of the best teachers on this is Jefferson Fisher.
When someone is struggle they need the mental burden as well as the task itself taken off their hands. For example, if you are the one who cooks in your home and every so often someone else offers to do it, do you have tell them what to cook and even how to cook it? Do you also have to know what food is in the house and maybe you are the one who bought it. Although, the help is great, it is just that, help, and not the real support of completely taking something of your list.
A few years ago, when I had a milestone birthday, my gift from my husband was a day where I didn't plan anything from start to finish. It was an absolute joy. Not having to do research as to where to go or eat. Not having to book ahead or buy tickets or organise transport or check that everyone was okay with everything. I just showed up and that was it.
When I shared this with my students they immediately recognised how great it is when someone does something you need without you having to do the planning or managing. It is the person who cooks you a meal from shopping right through to cleaning up. It is person who shops for you by checking what you need without asking you to make a list. It's the person who offers to arrange something and all you have to do is agree to what they suggest.
When someone does this it is the ultimate gift and in that moment you feel seen, supported and known. They get you, they did the research and made sure they gave you what you needed.
Ask first then do
Back to my story. When I was offered unsolicited advice I felt like my years of struggle, my hours of research to understand my illness and my constant work to manage my health had been ignored. A simple question that asked if I was doing okay and whether needed help as well as an offer of websites or resources that could be of use would have made all the difference. Not only would it have made me feel understood, the practical support of web links would have meant I didn't have to think what that support might look like. When your help is to alleviate someone else's struggle then you focus on them and not what most of us do, focus on our own discomfort and attempt to rid ourselves of it.
Don't get me wrong, I still get this wrong but knowing this has meant I try to get it right more of the time. Most people love to help but think of how much better people will feel if the help you give them is the help they need. And the bonus is you make their relationship with you a more trusting and more secure one in the process.
Thanks for reading. I hope your paths cross again in the future.
Love,
Elfreda
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