Intrusive Negative Affect

When you can't stop unwanted emotions from taking over.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

The first client who sat in front of me and said they were completely stuck and couldn't do the things they were normally able to do was quite a few years ago now. Since then there have been several others. They often describe themselves as burnt out or like they have nothing left to give. The situation is often similar. They have had a bereavement where they had sole responsibility for the care and welfare of a dying relative or they are still caring for someone. Or they had a major stressful life event and then something else happened and it seemed to push them over the edge. They talk about crying all the time, not being able to do the simplest of tasks or finding that some days they just want to stay home and hide.

It is not unusual for me to ask if they are depressed or if they have seen a doctor. Sometimes they will wonder if maybe they are but most will say no, that this isn't like depression, it is like a floodgate has opened and they just can't seem to close it again.

Inhibiting emotions can only work for so long.

If you are a regular reader of my blog posts you will be familiar with the DMM, the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment and Adaptation. You will also know that I favour this attachment model over others because amidst its complexity there is a simplicity in how it describes the strategies we use to manage attachment bonds. There are eight strategies for both avoidant and anxious or coercive as it is called in this model. Each one describes a way in which a person manages their distress in a relationship that isn't secure. For someone with avoidant attachment the first strategy is called Inhibiting Affect. This involves hiding or suppressing your negative feelings to protect yourself from feelings of overwhelm and shame. It is common in someone who grew up with a caregiver who had bigger feelings than everyone else that needed to be managed. This can be anger but also the emotionally immature behaviour of making everything about you.

I usually begin by asking my client what their relationship is like with their parents, if alive, and siblings and what kind of role have they adopted or been given in their family. It always seems to be the same answer, I am the one who looks after everyone else. They tell stories of having to take charge of care of parents or arranging funerals, of being the shoulder to cry on for everyone else. When I ask them who they turn to, they will often speak of a great group of friends but it will be tempered with a statement about not wanting to burden their friends with their worries and how they have enough on their plates without needing to hear all their woes.

The minimising of problems is palpable. They will share how hard something is and then make excuses for others, who they are afraid to admit, may not have pulled their weight. They will talk about not being seen in their own sadness or overwhelm and having to hide it because when they do express it others become defensive and overshadow them with their own feelings. It is the push-pull between them wanting to share that it has been hard but afraid that if they do they will seem like they are ungrateful, selfish or not able to look after themselves and others.

I listen, and when I finally show them empathy and share how it appears from my side, how they have been carrying an unexpressed burden for far too long, they cry. The tears are sprinkled with apologies about being overly dramatic, it not being how they normally are, and how they are just making a big deal about things. They desperately try to hold on to the appearance of being in control, of not wanting to be seen as someone who judges others and how grateful they are for having had the opportunity to care for someone else. It is then that I explain the strategy of inhibiting affect and in that moment something shifts.

A sigh of relief.

There are four avoidant attachment strategies that are very commonly found in women that are missed by most people because they often mistake avoidant attachment as a predominantly male pattern of the typical commitment-phobe. Women also don't recognise their avoidant patterns because they aware of their anxiety. This anxiety is often felt but not seen and most people would say that others would not say that they were an anxious person, even though they know themselves that they are struggling on the inside. Aside from Inhibiting Affect, avoidant attachment can show up as Socially Facile, the easy going people pleaser who is inclined to go along with what others want rather than voice their own needs. Compulsively Caregiving, looking after everyone else to feel useful and needed and as a way to avoid their own needs. And Compulsively Compliant which can show up as perfectionism or a need to always do the right thing.

When I describe these strategies to my female clients, as they attempt to minimise their overwhelm, a light bulb often goes on. I can see a sudden shift in their awareness as they admit that they have never felt like they could ask for help, that they always felt responsible for other people's feelings and emotions and that when they have voiced them they have been shut down, ignored, or made to feel like they have been the problem. This elicits an awareness of the pressure cooker that has been holding the flood of emotions at bay and how they have got to a point where they can't keep the lid on it anymore. The outcome, Intrusive Negative Affect.

Image by Ana María Romero Velázquez from Pixabay

Unwanted feelings can't be pushed down.

Intrusive Negative Affect is a term used to describe unwanted negative emotions that emerge despite attempts to keep them hidden. Affect in psychological terms simply means emotion. Think of an angry outburst that seems totally out of character for someone who normally appears calm or, like my clients, someone who suddenly finds themselves crying for what appears to be no reason or crying a disproportionate amount for something that was to all intents and purposes resolved.

I have heard stories of clients who said they were managing their grief or care duties well until someone said or did something hurtful and dismissive. Or they were treated unfairly despite doing everything they could to do right by everyone else. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. Years of unspoken hurt gushes to the surface and for many it completely incapacitates them. When they come to me, they have been off sick for several weeks or have stopped seeing friends or can't seem to move forward with a plan that has an ever approaching deadline. They are confused as to why they feel like this and they are desperate to make it go away so they can go back to being their more composed and together self.

The hard part for them is the realisation that you can't make it go away. You can't shove it down and do what you have always done and just get on with it. The only way around is through and that means through the feelings and the unmet needs and the unvoiced pain.

Feelings have to be felt.

'Tell me how to feel better'. I can't, I say, you have to feel your feelings. You have to voice what you haven't said out loud before. I see my clients struggle with discomfort. When they realise this is a safe space and I won't judge what they have to say, they slowly begin to open up. Sometimes years of unspoken pain gets voiced. The need to be looked after, to be seen. Just once to have someone say, I am sorry, I know you are hurting too. The understanding that others want you to be the strong one so they don't have to be, helps them to see why others get angry or frustrated when they crumble or show their feelings. The awareness of that anger can be a way to deflect loved-ones feelings of guilt that they didn't do enough, softens the pain. The permission to say that they have felt wronged, that what happened was not okay and that it is justifiable that they feel angry and upsets allows them to breath. No more keeping a lid on it, no shame that they have feelings too.

Feelings need to be felt and for someone with avoidant attachment, that is hard. It's hard because they may have been shamed for having feelings in the past, they may have been left to deal with hurt, or pain, alone or they may have had to focus on making another person happy just so they could get a tiny part of their needs met. Breaking the habit starts small. It starts with voicing to themselves the truth of their feelings without minimising or dismissing. It starts with the felt sense of emotion. Where is it in the body, what shape size or weight is it? Does it have a colour or is there a metaphor than can be used to describe it.

Time to break the habit of a lifetime.

The next stage is to focus on what you need. Voicing needs is important, even if you don't feel the people around you can hear them. This is where I teach my clients how to communicate needs in a way that doesn't shame others or make them feel vulnerable themselves. So much can be solved when we know how to communicate. Relationships can be saved when you focus on protecting the relationship rather than winning an argument. People with avoidant attachment have a whole wealth of tools that can be used for their benefit and that of others. What is often missing is their ability to trust other people and to let go of the fear of vulnerability.

Within weeks of their first session most of my clients will report feeling better. They will say it felt great to finally say it out loud. They will report better conversations with loved-ones and often an apology or an awareness from others that they hadn't thought about how hard it was for them. These are great results but I also remind them that they can't let things go back to how they were before. It is time to move towards security and that involves honesty, openness and a willingness to feel feelings and voice your needs. This is work I have had to do myself, which is why I know it works.

You don't have to feel overwhelmed and like you can't ask for help. You don't need to be the person who looks after everyone else and has no one to look after you. These are distorted messages you picked up in childhood. An earned secure attachment, according to the DMM, means you can develop secure attachment with the right knowledge and effort. If you are interested in exploring this with me, in a non-judgemental space, then get in touch.

Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.

Love,

Elfreda