I don't know what you want?

Why lack of clarity can lead to miscommunication and unmet needs.

Image by Ted Erski from Pixabay

Have you ever secretly hoped that someone would help you or that maybe they would see how much you are struggling or how vulnerable you really are? Maybe you give hints but you never really say it outright. In the moments you do say something. you can see the other person's eyes glaze over or suddenly excuse themselves and disappear. This is what happens when someone has an avoidant attachment pattern and needs help but has learned that they can't ask for it.

When the message is too big to hold

I worked with a client once who had gone through a very stressful period in her life that had some serious repercussions for her health. She currently found herself living alone and felt, not only lonely but, also the huge weight of responsibility of looking after her home, and life, when she wasn't quite physically able.

It quickly became apparent that she wanted help and had family and others that she could turn to, but each time when she considered asking them, she found an excuse as to why this person had too much already on their plate. This meant that she never asked, even though the other people had regularly offered. She felt she would be a burden. She also felt that she was the person to do everything for others and if she suddenly became the one who needed help, she would somehow lose that role and her own sense of security. There is nothing as scary for someone with avoidant attachment to feel than they can't look after themselves.

This client also had a daughter who had moved closer by in the past few months having been away for several years. She secretly hoped her daughter would help, she wanted her to alleviate some of her loneliness but it became clear that she had never really asked. When I asked why not, she said she hoped they should know.

Mind reading

Mind-reading is a cognitive distortion in cognitive psychology and it is the assumption that other people should be able to know what you need and to meet those needs effectively. When it doesn't happen people often feel upset or alone, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy when you have insecure attachment.

I asked my client how could her daughter know what she needed and she said because I have told her, 'I am lonely'. I want you to pull back for a minute and consider what this statement might sound like to the recipient. This is what I helped my client do.

Imagine you are young, trying to build your own life. You have your own responsibilities and commitments but you also want to be a good daughter. You want to help but you are not sure what that might look like. 'I am lonely', is a hugely overwhelming statement. What does it mean? What role am I expected to fulfil? What do you want me to do? This kind of statement can cause people to withdraw or get angry as they grapple with what you might expect from them, when they already feel they have so much to do.

When I asked my client what did she need to help her feel less lonely. The answer was simple. To meet for coffee and a chat a couple of times a month. To get help with the garden or some of the occasional jobs, like washing the windows, around the house. To be able to get reasonably prompt text responses and have the odd phone call to share news. This list was not a big burden, in fact, it is quite manageable for most people.

When my client began to see the difference between these simple requests and the burden of the statement 'I am lonely' it was easier for her to see why her daughter was making excuses and not seeing her as often as she'd like. After that session, she messaged her daughter and asked if they could meet for coffee. Her daughter agreed and they had a lovely chat. She mentioned she had some gardening she needed help with and her daughter offered to pop over for a couple of hours the following week. She never mentioned her loneliness but talked about things they could do together when her daughter had time. The relationship softened and not only did my client get some of her needs met, she felt like less of a burden in the process.

You can't ask for help because no one will want to help you.

Image by Hanjörg Scherzer from Pixabay

It is not unusual for someone with avoidant attachment to feel like you can't ask for help because no one will come. This is especially common for people who felt a sense of protectiveness over a needy parent who you didn't want to upset because you felt guilty or ashamed for being a burden. I can trace my own avoidant patterns back to not wanting to upset my mother when she was already dealing with some much at the hands of my father. My client felt a similar sense of responsibility to her own parents, for different reasons. It is also not unusual for someone with avoidant attachment to act anxiously, such as wanting to be helped but not actively asking for it when faced with avoidant strategies, which is what my client felt when her daughter didn't offer her help.

Attachment is adaptive and even if you have a default avoidant pattern, it doesn't mean you cant be anxious when faced with someone who is avoidant towards you, and vice versa. This also means that when you start to build your own self-awareness, identify you own needs, and learn to communicate them explicitly, that the people around you will start to respond more securely to you.

If you want help, you need to know what that is and what it might look like when someone helps you. Breaking things down into simple tasks can make a huge difference. This is hard when you are caught up in your feelings but not when someone knows the right questions to ask to help you understand what you are feeling. This is my role with my clients and when they learn the skill, they can do it themselves without my help.

Beneath the surface, in all of us, there is a child who had unmet needs, who was never taught how to express them. When you learn how to meet those needs you can help that child feel seen and become an integrated part of who you are. Be explicit, take time to reflect and learn about what you really need.

Thanks for reading, my diary is open for two new clients. Book a discovery session to talk about a bespoke coaching programme for you.

I hope our paths cross again in future,

Love,

Elfreda