Put the relationship first

Why John Gottman's Advice Stands the Test of Time.

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

I can't exactly remember when I read the book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman Ph,D, I am not even sure if I was married at the time but I do remember some of the tips which I have used in my own marriage and when working with clients with marriage conflict. The one principle that stood out above all else was, to put the relationship first.

Everything, gets filtered through the impact it will have on your relationship.

In simple terms this means that every interaction, every decision, every disagreement gets filtered through its impact on your relationship. Should I take that job that means travelling a lot? The accumulating mess in the bedroom, the not messaging to say when they'll be home. The unnoticed mental load of looking after the household. Everything, gets filtered through the impact it will have on your relationship. It changes everything, how you communicate, how you handle conflict, how you manage your time and most importantly how you prioritise each other and the future of your relationship together.

I remember the first time I discussed this with my husband. We weren't together very long, we may not have even been married yet. We started by discussing why our relationship mattered to each of us. What our expectations were about our future together and what was the most important thing for both of us. Unanimously, we agreed that being together for the rest of our lives was the most important thing and that neither of us could allow anything to get in the way of that.

Knowing this, has given us a place to go to when things got hard. It has been a way back from disagreements and a challenge to the moments when we've lost our way and not prioritised time together. It has shaped what we have said yes to, both individually and together, and it has meant we could both feel secure in the knowledge that we wanted the same thing.

 The 'you pissed me off' conversation has a very different slant when you want to stay deeply connected and in love with the person you are married to.

When we need to speak about something difficult we take the time to think about how our words impact our future together. It makes us focus on repair, on not trying to win but to understand and it shapes what we count as important. If something is bothering one of us, we open a space for this to be discussed because we know if we don't it will fester in the background and eat away at our feelings for each other, making that agreement to stay together harder to achieve. The 'you pissed me off' conversation has a very different slant when you want to stay deeply connected and in love with the person you are married to.

Over the years, I have expanded this idea of putting the relationship first in all areas of my life. It has made me reflect on the kind of person I am and what message I want others to take away from any interaction I have with them. Every encounter is a relationship, I tell my students. The person who serves you in a supermarket has as much right to the best version of you as anyone else. For me, this has not just become about making those relationship work but about who I am in each of those relationships. Knowing who I choose to be, what my values are and what legacy I want to leave behind, means I think about what each person will take away from the briefest of encounters. It has caused me to reflect on what person I want to be and when I am less than my best, how I can repair those relationships, however superficial.

I often consider this when I see people post cruel or hurtful comments on social media. I wonder what kind of person they are choosing to be and how does that impact them. It has also helped me to recognise my own boundaries and how some relationships are not ones I want to enter into. I will not respond to some comments and even block sometimes because I know that some people are trying to provoke a reaction. Despite trying to be the best version of myself I may not be able to when someone is unwilling to understand. Even in these moments I'm putting the relationship first, because if I was to continue with those relationships they would not be healthy and that person would more than likely be better served without having me in their life.

John M Gottman Ph.D https://www.gottman.com/author/john-gottman-ph-d/

I know I am very lucky that I am in a relationship with someone who wants the same thing as me.

I am forever grateful for the work of John and Julie Gottman. I still turn to their socials to see their advice on relationships. I teach about the four horsemen of relationship destroyers and I help students and clients see how putting the relationship first shapes your language and communication. I know I am very lucky that I am in a relationship with someone who wants the same thing as me. I also know that when most people are first together that is what they want too and it gets lost along the way for many. When this happens I ask my clients to reminisce with their partner about when they first met, how in love the were and what they hoped for and then I ask them to think about what they want from each other. In that moment most people find it is they same thing, to be together forever.

The next time you are frustrated with each other or on the cusp of an argument, ask yourself if there is a way of expressing this that also helps your loved-one know that you want to be with them forever?

If you are interested in coaching and want to work on creating secure relationships with your love-one's then get in touch. My calendar is open.

Thanks for reading, I hope our path's cross again in future,

Elfreda