Are you one of those people who says they're not confident? Or maybe you are the type of person people say are confident but you don't think you are yourself? Mostly because of the level of anxiety you experience when speaking in front of groups or standing up for yourself. You could be the kind of person who says that you are confident at doing one particular thing but not at something else. For many people they have an idea of what confidence looks like, especially when they compare themselves to others, but they can't see it in themselves. The reason being that confidence is a feeling, not just a set of behaviours or traits, and if you don't feel confident, even if you have the skills, you will think you aren't a confident person.
What makes you trust yourself?
The antithesis of self-trust is self-doubt. The question therefore is what makes you doubt yourself? When I teach confidence the list of reasons varies in context but the reasons are often very similar. Most people have had an experience of humiliation or criticism that made them feel like they weren't good enough or incapable. I've had stories of teachers telling students they were stupid, very common in older generations, or being punished for making a mistake. Others have been laughed at by peers, parents or family members, or been compared less favourably with a sibling. Many have had to figure stuff out on their own and felt terrified that they would get it wrong. What's prevalent across every one of these stories is the desire to avoid ever feeling those feelings again and in turn, avoiding the situation or activity that might put them in the spotlight where it might be repeated.
Self-trust is believing you can do whatever it is you have set out to do. It is trusting that you will handle things when they go wrong or can cope with the unexpected. When you feel confident this is what you feel. It is the ultimate 'I've/You've got this!' Why do some people think they've got this and other's don't? The answer is attachment. People with secure attachment are naturally more confident than those who have insecure attachment. The reason being, they never had to fear being shamed or humiliated for their mistakes, and if they were, there was a safety net to help them cope with it in the form of a securely attached relationship.
How does insecure attachment lead to a lack of confidence?
Imagine you are a child, you've been asked to complete a task, put your dishes in the dishwasher. Despite it happening in your home multiple times a day, you've never had to do this task before. You stand at the dishwasher and attempt to put your dishes in how you see fit. You're worried you'll do it wrong. It's not unusual for you to be reprimanded for doing things the 'wrong way' or for someone to take over and do it the 'right way'. The stress of this means you don't notice how the other dishes are placed and so you do your best. Very quickly you discover that you've done it wrong because of the reactions of the adults around you.
If a child has a securely attached relationships the response to your mistake would be one of understanding. You would be shown how to do it correctly, you would not be made to feel stupid or humiliated and you would be made to feel that you could be trusted to do it right in future. Unfortunately, for many of us, this is not what we experience. The insecure response is either having a caregiver take over and do the task the 'right way', making your feel stupid or incapable. Or getting upset or angry with you, making you feel like you have to appease them in some way by correcting your mistake and making sure you never get anything wrong again in future.
The first one leads to a mistrust of yourself and often leads to anxiety and fear of failure. This can manifest as getting upset or overwhelmed so that people repeatedly rescue you, compounding your lack of trust in your own ability. The second response leads to a mistrust in other people and a belief that you have to figure things out on your own and never make a mistake to avoid feeling ashamed or guilty for upsetting someone else.
Secure attachment is the path to greater confidence.
Confidence is trusting yourself to be able to achieve a particular outcome or cope with whatever outcome arises. Secure attachment is believing that you are good enough as you are. It's knowing that when you make mistakes you can turn to your loved-ones knowing that they will help you and support you to handle whatever you are struggling with. This safety net leads to authenticity and when you are authentic there is nothing to hide. You don't have to try to be perfect, or to be something you are not. You don't have to fear making mistakes because you are not trying to pretend that you never make them. You are confident that are enough, even when you have messed up.
If you want to develop confidence, then it starts with recognising the stories of your insecure attachment. The stories that tell you that you are not able, that you can't make mistakes or that you are only wanted or lovable if you meet someone else's expectation. Once you do that, start working on trusting yourself. Focus on what it feels like to feel safe in every situation. Consider what it would be like to own your mistakes, to be open and honest about your imperfections without fear of letting someone down or being judged. This is not just a cognitive practice but a felt experience.
Develop your mental rehearsal.
In my experience of over 10 years of coaching, one of the best tools you can develop is mental rehearsal. It might just seem like you are using your imagination but your unconscious mind can't tell the difference. Imagine doing that thing you dread. See yourself being successful, notice how it feels in your body. Imagine getting it wrong and finding ways to handle the discomfort and embarrassment. See yourself somewhere in the middle, getting some parts right and some parts wrong and imagine how you can cope with that. Learn to know what it feels like to trust yourself and to ask for help when you need your back-up team. Choose wisely, don't pick the people you know will judge you, take over, or make it all about them. Choose those who will focus on the problem and not you as the failure.
Choose your new story.
Up until now the story of your confidence has been tied to the one's you absorbed in childhood based on how you were treated. It's time to rewrite those stories. You can reframe them by reminding yourself that other people's reactions are about them and not you. The parent who takes over the task, is already overwhelmed and can't handle you being upset. The one who gets upset themselves already thinks they are failing or doesn't trust themselves. None of these things are about you, or your mistakes. Tell the story of how you are doing your best, how it's okay to fail and how other people's opinions aren't going be changed by you, because they haven't a lot to do with you in the first place. Instead of saying you're not confident, maybe start saying I am confident when...
Thanks for reading, I hope our paths cross again in the future.
Love,
Elfreda
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