The Blame Game
- Elfreda Manahan-Vaughan
- Mar 18
- 5 min read
How insecure attachment uses blame to manage an insecure relationship.
Who do you blame and why?
If there is one thing I have learned, while working in the world of attachment and coaching, it is this: you cannot create secure attachment with another person if you are caught in the blame game.
When I was growing up, there always seemed to be someone at fault when something went wrong. I can remember defending my actions profusely when I made mistakes and trying to prove that situations, or even people, outside of my control were the cause of many of my errors. It didn't dawn on me until adulthood that this was a strategy that I had not only learned through trial and error but also one I had mirrored from the adults around me. What I didn't know then, which I know now, is that blaming others is an anxious attachment strategy that reinforces an external locus of control and the feigned helplessness pattern of attachment. Blaming yourself is an avoidant pattern that reinforces a need to be right and a compulsive compliance pattern of attachment.
I have been trying to limit my social media use lately. I find it is having a negative effect on my attention span and my ability to sit and be bored. However, work causes me to check in at least once a day, and when I do, I usually, after checking out all the cat and dog accounts I follow, scroll through some of the accounts that share content on attachment theory. Inevitably, I scan through the comments, and over and over again, one thing stands out. If the post mentions avoidant attachment, there will be a whole host of comments blaming those with avoidant attachment for all the relationship problems of the world. An attachment expert worth their salt will tell you that these people are nine times out of ten, people with anxious attachment. This is because those with anxious attachment blame others, and those with avoidant attachment usually blame themselves.
How does blame create connection?
When you enter into a relationship, your primary concern, whether you are aware of it or not, is to get your attachment needs met, feel connection to another person, and create a safe space to be your authentic self. When a relationship feels insecure and you are fearful of being judged, you adapt your behavior to accommodate those feelings in an attempt to function in a relationship that, at its core, doesn't feel safe. Depending on how the other person feels, you will either adopt an avoidant way of relating or an anxious one.
The avoidant strategy is about shutting down unwanted feelings to avoid feeling shame, helplessness, or vulnerability, and the anxious one is about manipulating the other person to get their attachment needs met. This happens because they were never given the opportunity to trust themselves or the other person or how to self-regulate. Attachment in many ways is about control. The avoidant person is trying to control their feelings and in turn prove to the other person that they are good enough, and the anxious person is trying to control your behavior to get their needs met while trying to prove that they are not broken.
This is where the blame comes in. When someone adapts their behavior and develops an avoidant attachment pattern, they have a deep-seated belief that they are responsible for the relationship. When something goes wrong, they blame themselves. When the feelings of guilt or shame get too much, they will defend themselves to try to prove to you that they are not worthless and, in the process, make the other person feel like there is something wrong with them. When the feelings get too much, they will pull away, act like nothing happened, while feeling like they can't trust you and must take charge to stay in control of the unpleasant feelings, in case they return again. This is part of the reason they often seem so independent and in control.
The anxious person, on the other hand, blames other people for the relationship problems. For them, if you would just see how hard they are trying to be who you want them to be, then everything would be okay. People with this attachment pattern are much more emotionally volatile and often have very visible displays of anger and upset. They switch between people-pleasing and frustration, and when an argument happens, they want you to take full responsibility for the problem. They struggle to trust that they can be on their own because they have spent their life being told that there is something wrong with them. This is why they comment on social media with blame and anger towards the avoidantly attached.
Another characteristic that feeds into the blame game is the fact that those with anxious attachment often work on themselves or do courses and read books in the hope of getting the people around them to treat them differently. This is a losing battle and one I regularly have to highlight in my coaching sessions. For the avoidant person, the act of reaching out for help is a slow one, but the desire to know it all and be the one who does everything right is often the catalyst for personal development.
When someone feels secure in a relationship, they have no desire to blame anyone. Their focus is on making the relationship work and creating safety. Secure attachment leads to authenticity, and when you are being your authentic self, you have no problem taking responsibility for your mistakes because you are not likely to experience shame for getting something wrong. If you want to create security in your relationships, you need to start to spot the blame game.
When you mess up, check to see if you become defensive to hide your own feelings of shame. Or do you try to deflect responsibility towards the other person? Consider if you have an agenda in your communications and the relationship to get other people to change or to prove that you are not the one at fault. The first is a sign of anxious attachment, and the second is avoidant. Everyone can earn a secure attachment; however, you have to admit your insecure attachment first. Then you can work towards creating security with yourself and others.
I recently had someone describe a situation where they had a family member who was not speaking to them. Listening to them speak about it, it was fairly easy to spot the blame and anxious attachment. They asked me what they could do, but it was clear they wanted the other person to apologize and to take responsibility for the situation. My answer may not have been what they wanted, but it was this:
You can only solve a problem like that if you stay in the present. Work on the now to next of the relationship rather than trying to heal the past; they aren't willing to talk. Apologize for the hurt feelings even if you don't think you did anything wrong and tell the other person why they, and the relationship, matter to you. If you want to repair a relationship, then you have to focus on what you both need to make the relationship work. You also need to accept that, whether you meant it or not, the other person didn't get their attachment needs met, and for them, the only solution they could find was to stop speaking to you.
There is one caveat to that advice, and it is this: an emotionally immature person or someone who is narcissistic won't admit fault, and if someone is choosing not to speak to them, the fault could lie with either of them. If it is just an insecure attachment issue, then most people should be willing to change if the relationship matters enough. Look for the blame and the ones willing to take responsibility. Even if they aren't quite secure yet, the willingness to apologize and focus on repair is always a sign of hope.
Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future,
Elfreda
Comments