What are you afraid of?
There's a name for when you imagine what other people will think of you.
I have been reading the book Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demands Yes by Dr Sinuta Sah. I am always looking for new information or research that can help students and clients when it comes to their communication and confidence.
There is one concept that has really stood out for me so far and that is the idea of Insinuation Anxiety. I love having a name for something that lots of us feel but which we often have difficulty explaining.
Insinuation anxiety is the psychological tension and fear of implying negativity, distrust, or disapproval toward someone, which leads people to comply with bad advice or stay silent rather than risk causing offense, according to Sah. Imagine someone asks you to do something but you are afraid to say no because you are afraid they might think you don't like them. So instead, you say yes and later regret that you didn't say no.
When I read about it, it explained many of the pickles I got myself into when I was younger because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings or because I was afraid that they would think I didn't care. I did the typical people pleasing of saying nothing when others hurt my feelings or when I was not happy with something, not only for fear of their judgement of me but also my fear or the hurt I might cause them.
People Pleasing is a Two-way Street.
When I teach students about effective communication and stress management, I often explain why we people please and why doing it doesn't serve anyone. People pleasing is less about keeping others happy and more about what you are trying to protect yourself from.
If we look at it through the lens of attachment you can see that a person with and avoidant attachment strategy often people pleases to avoid upsetting others. That is because they are trying to avoid their own feelings of guilt or shame when the other person gets upset. Think fo a child with a parent who gets angry or one who gets sad and emotional when they do something wrong. You will do anything to avoid feeling the guilt or wrath and so you become aggreeable and say yes even when you mean no.
The person with an anxious attachment pattern people pleases so they can get what they need. They have never learned to be able to ask for what they want so they hope that if they are nice to you that you will do the same in return. Think of a child who can't get a consistent response from a parent. One minute they are getting help and support and the next their parent has pulled away to suppress their emotions. They don't know what work so they try behaving badly or being sweet in the hope one will stick. They are focused on the transactional nature of what they are doing. If I am nice then hopefully you will be nice to me too.
I want you to like me.
When you people please you are not doing it for the other person's benefit. You are doing it to protect yourself from what will happen if you say no. When we really want to help people we do it freely and without expecting anything in return. This can be very hard for people to hear because you have built a positive picture of yourself in your own head to make sense of your actions.
Clients often say to me but I can't say no and when I ask why, they very quickly find the fear that is hidden behind their need to people please. 'They will think I don't care', 'they will get angry with me', 'they will leave me', 'they will prefer someone else'. There are a millon more and most of them are not linked to the person in the present but a feeling from the past. This is often the moment when they finally get that their isnecure attachment is still showing up in their lives.
The courage to be disliked.
I can remember reading this book several years ago, Courage to be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. It references the work of Alfred Alder and how we need to separate the tasks when it comes to responsbility and interaction with others. It helped me to realise that if you want to be true to yourself and be authentic with others then you need to be okay with disappoointing people. Even if you try your hardest you can't please everyone so it is better to live by your own values and do what is right to protect your relationships.
When you learn to be okay with people disliking you, you are free to be yourself more often. There is nothing to pretend and less insinuation anxiety because you stop worrying about what other people think and you start focusing on who you are and who you want to be.
The next time you find yourself trying to please someone ask yourself if you are doing it to try and stop them thinking of you negatively or to protect yourself from something. Once you spot it you can't forget it. Try doing it because you want to, not because you have to and do it because it is about you being who you chose to be and not who you think you need to be for them.
You don't need to say no to everything but you do need to say no to the things that make you resentful, burnt out or like you have no choice.
Interested on working on your people pleasing and attachment strategies? Let's talk. My calendar is open.
Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.
Love,
Elfreda x
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