Taking time to recover
Not my usual post. A story about coping.
On the 11th of September I had nasal surgery. A septoplasty, turbinoplasty and removal of the accessory ostium from my maxillary sinus. The surgery went okay as far as I am aware. Although I won't know until the internal splints in my nose are removed, which are still in place as I write.
The surgery itself is minor but the recovery, although not painful, is a challenge. I have spent the past two weeks having to breath through my mouth, something I am not used to. Initially there was no air in my nose at all which meant that when I closed my mouth to eat or swallow I felt like I was suffocating. Add in some oxycodone to the first night and a paradoxical response to opioids and you have one hell of a night where you can't breath or sleep because you have severe alertness and insomnia.
The other big challenge I had was having to sleep sitting up. Sleep, for me, is difficult at the best of times because I struggle with pain due to hypermobility spectrum disorder, fibromyalgia and greater tronchanteric pain syndrome in my right hip. This means I find it difficult to get comfortable and have to move regularly with lots of micro-arousals during the night. Sitting up proved an additional problem as I can't lie on my back because I have pelvic tilt from an unstable pelvis and spine from my HSD.
The first night I had to get up and walk around several times. The second night I got my pregnancy pillow out and a bolster. This worked for a while until my upper vertebrae went out of place and I couldn't lie back due to the pain and that was pretty much it for the rest of the week.
Turning to mindfulness to cope
As the week progressed my nostrils started to open a little. Although I still needed to breath through my mouth, I could at least close my mouth without feeling like I had a plastic bag over my head. Nights were still pretty awful as my mouth and throat would completely dry and I would wake up feeling like my whole mouth was coated in sand.
At one point, in that half awake, half asleep space I thought I would have a panic attack as I had slipped in bed and my whole throat was coated in gunge that had ran down my throat and I couldn't swallow. I also was not allowed to sniff, sneeze with my mouth closed, or blow my nose so I was limited in how I could solve this problem.
This is when my mindfulness practice and the process of non-judgement helped me to cope. I noticed that I was telling myself the story that I couldn't breath. I was also focusing on my feelings of helplessness. As I noticed how this story was affecting me, my attention shifted from my nose and breath to my body and the feeling of anxiety that had begun to arise. When I paid attention to this I was able to manage it better. It was simply a feeling and not reality.
I noticed how I could focus on other parts of my body. I could watch my breath at my chest rather than my mouth and as long as I noticed my breath I could ignore the feeling in my throat. I also reminded myself that this was only happening in this moment and it would be different when I got to morning. I used some sleep strategies I often use to try to relax and fall back asleep and gradually I did. And yes, by morning I felt better.
Back to work, ready or not
On Monday 21st I chose to return to work. It was a week earlier than my ENT suggested but I had committed myself to work that date, as it was supposed to be return date originally and because I wasn't sick I decided I would stick to the plan.
Working this week has been interesting to say the least. I have two large pieces of plastic in my nose, one in each nostril. I have to do a nasal rinse 3 times a day because I can't blow my nose or sniff, to remove blood clots, crusting and mucus. I have had a few moments when half way through my day saline solution decided to drop from my nose which had gotten stuck there earlier in the day.
I have had to explain to my students, colleagues and clients that my voice sounds differently and that my nose may get blocked. This is has been a real lesson in being authentic and owning your stuff. By Wednesday I would have happily have pulled the splints out with a pliers if I could. I stuck it out. I now have three more sleeps before I can breath properly again and I can't wait. This has also been a real test in patience.
My sleep is not much better but every so often I find I can breath for a couple of seconds with my mouth closed and that is bliss. Moments like these teach me how much I can cope with and how resilient I am. Sure, I sometimes wish people really know how much I am battling with but those moments are short-lived as I focus on where my power lies and remind myself that I am made of stronger stuff.
Is it nature or nurture.
As I navigate this and my other health issues I come back to the concept of mental toughness. Despite my extremely low pain threshold, from my fibromyalgia, I have the capacity to withstand the most intense pain. I found out a couple of years ago that I had fractured my foot twice and I didn't know. I can remember both times but I assumed the pain was my normal and I continued to work and just got on with it. This is mental toughness. Many people with chronic illness have it.
For me, I put my mental toughness down to two things. My childhood and a innate survival instinct and my meditation practice and the obvious fundamental changes to my brain that over 5000 hours of meditation has brought about. Ironically, my survival instinct originally developed not from a desire to survive but a fear or hurting others or letting them down if I didn't.
Tougher than you think.
I often hear stories of the most incredible hardship and I am fascinated by people's ability to cope. Although my surgery has been a challenge it is certainly nowhere near the worst thing I have had survive but it has reminded me that when things get tough I have the capacity to keep going. If the story you tell yourself is that you can't handle it then that is likely what will happen.
The easiest way to cope it is take it one moment at a time. That is the gift of mindfulness and the tool that has kept me going this past two weeks.
Thanks for reading. My calendar is open. I hope our paths cross again in future.
Love,
Elfreda
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