Free from Danger and Being Safe are not the same

According to the DMM if you want a secure relationship you need to know the difference

Firefighters fighting a wildfire

During the summer there were numerous reports across Europe of wildfires due to the various heatwaves hitting the region. Most people know the dangers of uncontrolled fire and how quickly it can spread. What may seem manageable at first can quickly blaze and suddenly homes, habitat and people are in extreme danger. This type of danger is easy to understand but when the fire has been extinguished and the danger has passed are the people and homes, or natural environment, safe it again.

If there is no more risk of fire then yes, they could be. However, if a home is destroyed and there is no where to go then is someone truly safe unless they have a secure home once again?

Danger in Attachment Theory

Danger in attachment theory research, and more specifically the second generation attachment model, the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment and Adaptation or DMM for short, is a distinct experience and one that many people never have to experience when it comes to their attachment. However, not experiencing danger does not mean you automatically have secure attachment. This is why many people don't recognise their insecure attachment until much later in life because when they think of their families they see the roof over their head, the food on the table and the love they received from well-meaning parents who tried their best.

The DMM describes three conditions for secure attachment. They are safety, free from danger and the opportunity to have and protect progeny. When we are free from danger we are not in fear of threat, physical harm, loss of a protector or death. In extreme cases people can, and do, experience these dangers in their attachment relationships, most commonly when there is domestic violence and abuse. For children the danger can come even if they are not harmed themselves but if they fear that one parent may be harmed and they will be left with the parent who committed that harm.

When I work with my clients many of them will say, but my parents never hurt me, or my parents gave me everything that I needed. They focus on the danger and when it is not present they assume that the likelihood of insecure attachment is removed. This, according to the research, is not the case and this why knowing the difference between being safe and free from danger is important.

The different kinds of safety

Safety in relationships can take many forms. Physical safety can mean a roof over your head, food on the table and all your bodily needs met. This, for many people is a given. The safety that is often missing is emotional and intellectual safety. This is being free to be yourself. Being able to express your thoughts and emotions without being judged. Another aspect of this is having your emotional needs met. In fact many people don't recognise neglect within families when it is emotional because their physical needs have been met.

When you don't feel safe to be yourself you are driven to create safety in other ways. This is why the DMM uses the word adaptation. To create safety in relationships we adapt our behaviour to try and get our needs met and when those needs are emotional we change who we are, or howwe act, in order to get the connection that we are missing.

I had a client say to me once that it wasn't until she stopped being who her family wanted her to be that the cracks in their relationship started to emerge. As long as she was happy to be the scapegoat who let her family do what they wanted, without challenge, everything seemed perfect from the outside. They looked like they were close and united. It all fell apart when she had her own children and she started to say no to certain requests. No, they couldn't all stay for Christmas for a week. No, she couldn't drop everything to bring her sister to the hospital. No, she wasn't going to tell her brother he had upset their mother as she didn't want to get involved. And no, she wasn't going on holiday with them as she wanted to go away with her husband and their three children somewhere else.

These refusals exposed the cracks. Everything was safe and happy as longs as she was the person they wanted her to be. Once she said no the comments started. You've changed! You're not who I thought you were. You're selfish, you only care about yourself. You always have to have it your own way. I suppose we are the worst in the world for wanting to spend time with our own family. The comments went on and on.

At that moment she saw what had been happening for all those years previously. Until she had her own progeny to protect she had been willing to suppress her own needs to maintain the connection with her parents and siblings. She hadn't complained when they had made plans without consulting her. She had always said yes to requests for help even when it didn't suit her. She had said nothing when someone used hurtful words or criticised her.

This is incredibly common. It is often not until you have another secure base to retreat to that you see how much you have changed yourself to fit with your family. This is especially common for those who have parents or siblings who are emotionally immature or who have anxious/coercive attachment. The response to this is to adapt by developing avoidant attachment and learning to suppress your own emotions to accommodate the behaviour of those around you.

Paper family separated into groups with some alone. Image by congerdesign from Pixabay

Emotional immaturity and safety

People who have anxious or coercive attachment, according to the DMM, are often more overtly emotionally immature than those who have avoidant attachment strategies. Avoidant people's immaturity shows in their inability to express, and experience, their emotions but on the outside they often appear more mature. They are usually calmer, more together and a fixer. They often take on the role of caregiver and can be the go-to within a family for problem solving.

The anxious/ coercive strategies, because of their high emotional volatility, are much easier to spot. When it comes to creating safety they can change who they are trying to please others but there is often more manipulation and guilt-tripping involved. They are often the ones who keep score and can be more threatening in their communication making you feel like you will be punished if you go against what they want. In my experience the clients who come to me who use anxious/coercive patterns often start out wanting other people to change and trying to figure out what they can do to make that happen. When they start to develop more emotional maturity that changes.

Once you can see you own behaviour within a relationship then your awareness of what needs to change shifts. It become less about wanting others to be different and trying to change your own behaviour to accommodate that and more about learning to accept others as they are and focus on who you are and what your needs are within a relationship that can make the relationship stronger.

Safety and security

If you were to stop now for a minute and ask yourself what does it mean to be safe in a relationship what would you your answer be? I know safety, for me, is being able to speak my mind, to have my own thoughts and opinions, to be able to express my emotions freely without being judged and to be able to relax and not feel like I had to be 'on' or in performance mode all the time. I know when I was a child I felt I had to perform. I wasn't allowed to be angry or sad. I had to be agreeable and be grateful. I had to accommodate other people's emotions and I had to accept that when I was hurt I was not very likely that I would get an apology or repair.

I am fortunate enough now that I have a secure relationship with my husband and I get to be myself at home. It didn't come naturally to us, we both started out with insecure attachment but we worked together to acknowledge and change our behaviours and communication so that we could be secure. I know some of you are saying that's all very well if you have someone who is willing to do that work. The truth is for the most part, in the beginning, I did the work. As is often the case, one person does the work and the other person adapts in response. It was the ultimate confirmation that the DMM was correct. The part my husband took on was a willingness to change for the betterment of our relationship and a desire to learn how to make things work because we both want to be together, as the phrase goes, til death do us part.

One thing I have learned through my own process in my relationship, and with the many clients I have helped, is that when you model the behaviour of security then people quickly follow suit. The reason this happens is because security in relationship involves unconditional acceptance and that is what creates safety. I accept you as you are, warts and all. If you struggle with that a good place to start is with yourself. You can build safety and security with yourself first and then it becomes easier to share it with others.

Change is easier than you think

If you have read any of my other blogs, or more specifically my last one you will know I often speak about how people change when you change how you treat them. The biggest obstacle to this is thinking that change means their is something wrong with you. This is the same reason that many people refuse to see safety and danger as two different experiences in relationships. It is easier to think of your relationships in childhood as happy and safe if it is free from danger than to consider that there is something wrong. This is where most people make the mistake.

If you grew up with insecure attachment it isn't a sign that there is something wrong with you. It's just information. Information that there is a better way to function in relationships that can create greater feelings of safety, trust and belonging. Who wouldn't want that. This isn't a right or wrong way, it is simply a way that is known to improve your well-being and guarantee happier, healthier long-term relationships. When their is insecurity we adapt and that adaptation is the very thing that makes those relationships work. When you act securely then the relationships naturally adapt to that.

If you are interested in understanding or improving your relationships then my calendar is open. Book a free discovery call and we can discuss what a bespoke coaching programme might look like for you.

Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.

Love,

Elfreda