Understanding Transitional Attachment Figures: Do You Need One?

The Importance of Secure Relationships

I remember a client asking me years ago if she could ever be securely attached by only working on herself and not being in a secure relationship. The answer to the question was not a simple yes or no; it was more of an Abe Simpson answer—a little from column A and a little from column B.

Yes, you can improve your attachment by working on yourself and developing a secure way of relating to yourself, your inner child or child like parts. However, you also need to have some kind of relationship where you can learn what security feels like so that you can recreate it in your relationships, and if you are looking for someone new, know how to spot security before you insecurity comes roaring in with your hormones and makes you see things you wish were there rather than what actually is.

Security is part of your nervous system, its linked with co-regulation and self-regulation and you won't know if you have it until your buttons are pushed or until you share you innermost fears and insecurities. This is why many people need a transitional attachment figure to experience what secure attachment is.

I was fortunate that I experienced a transitional attachment figure within a friendship before I went for professional support. I think that had I not, I might never have been able to trust myself with another human being without fear of being judged or shamed.

When you live with shame, it is a shadow that lurks around every corner, in every dark recess and shapes every interaction so that you, falsely believe, you can ensure that you will never make a mistake and avoid feeling it ever again. My experience is that shame shaped my attachment more that many of my childhood experiences. In fact, I think it may have been the reason I went from anxious attachment to avoidant attachment in my teens. Although saying that, it is also likely my childhood attachment was avoidant and, as is often the case, I slipped briefly into anxious attachment in my teens as I shaped my identity in the process of identity formation.

The Role of Shame in Attachment Strategies

Shame told me I was a horrible person, that I was one step away from causing other immense pain and that they only way I could alleviate that was to out their needs first, focus on what everyone else thought and try, and fail, to be exactly who they expected me to be, beyond reproach.

What I learned, and I am sure many of you have as well, is that you cannot be a perfect, selfless human being. Eventually, your own pain and suppressed emotions will burst out as intrusive negative affect, causing you to say the wrong thing, hurt someone, and convince yourself with self-righteousness that you are right and they are wrong to avoid the shame you 'should' feel when you hurt someone.

I would be lying if I said I didn't sit on some high moral ground of being a good person, fuelled by the misguided belief that I always made the 'right' decision and the foolish kindness of others who told me that I was too. In saying that I can also admit that they saw through me and that might righteousness was very likely that source of raised eyebrows behind my back and the truth that I, like most people, often got it wrong.

The Need for Non-Judgmental Support

Living with shame makes having a transitional attachment figure all the more important. You need to be able to share you darkest secrets and most shameful feelings with someone who won't make you feel like there is something wrong with you. They need to help you accept your mistakes and flaws whilst helping you see that the intention of your behaviour is rarely to hurt others but more often, and especially in may case of childhood trauma, a survival instinct.

The great thing about a transitional attachment figure is that in those moments of non-judgement you can drop the façade of invulnerability and allow that guilt and shame to be shared, verbalised and released.

Professional Support and Trauma-Informed Care

When I started my deep dive into learning all things attachment, it became apparent that for many people the transitional attachment figure had to be a professional and if I wanted to do this work, I would have to be that for my clients. When I think now of what allows me to be that non-judgemental, unconditional accepting individual I am funnily grateful for my own childhood and adult trauma.

One of the key principles of trauma-informed care is peer support and for many people the person they get help from needs to know what it is like for them. This lived experience helps to shame how you respond to their shame and embarrassment. It tells you to stay curious and go gently when they tell how awful they are and it pushes you to allow them to feel their shame whilst also knowing that two things can be true at once. You can do something horrible and still be a good person. The relief I see on my clients' faces when I say this and not only say it but they feel it is palpable. I can't judge when I too have had the same experience on my journey to secure attachment.

The Impact of Secure Attachment

When you experience secure attachment you know what to look for in others. I found in my own case that my insecure relationships drifted away. The ones that stayed became more boundaried and I stopped focusing on other people's opinions of me and more on the kind of person I wanted to be and what aligned with my values.

I have seen clients do the same. They end the relationships that no longer serve them. They find new love with people who treat them with respect and kindness and they stop letting the emotionally immature have so much power over them. So to come back to the question my client asked, yes you can work on your secure attachment alone but fi you truly want things to change then you need to experience security with a transitional attachment figure. I find in my coaching practice the two most common obstacles to this, is those who feel they need t do it themselves to avoid the shame and vulnerability they mistakenly think they will experience when they open up in coaching. Or they don't see why this is worth investing in, if you have never experienced secure attachment you have no idea how your life can change so incredibly when you have it.

Conclusion: Hope for the Future

I will always live in hope that this will change and that I can be the transitional attachment figure that my clients need. My life has transformed from one if insecurity, shame, fear and overwhelm since learning how to create security in my own relationships. Learning how to live apologetically and aligned with your own values is a freedom I could only dream of as a teenager.

If you found this article helpful, please share your thoughts or experiences in the comments below. Have you had a transitional attachment figure in your life? How did it impact your journey towards secure attachment? Let's continue the conversation!

Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.

With love,

Elfreda