Getting comfortable with discomfort

Why being uncomfortable is the gateway to personal growth.

Domed brick ceiling with a central hexagonal skylight, capturing a blend of geometric precision and ancient architectural style.

If you are like me, the above picture might make you feel uncomfortable. I have that phobia, trypophobia, which can cause you to feel disgusted or fearful of things with holes, or hole like images. Don't Google it - the images are horrendous. Even though I feel horrible when I look at an image like the one above, I know I am not in danger, so when I look at an image like that, my main task is to manage my feelings or discomfort and not let it become an overreaction.

I saw a reel on Instagram recently by Dr. Raquel Martin which was explaining how to know the difference between being triggered and being uncomfortable. I loved how she was able to put words to something that many people don't understand. For me, personally, it was a reminder of my own journey to getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and how this has shaped my ability to be with my own trauma story without flinching away from the hard parts.

Before I get into the specifics of knowing the difference between discomfort and being triggered, it is important that I share how different attachment patterns deal with both discomfort and triggers. This is also relevant when talking about myself. I spent a large portion of my life pretending I was fine when I wasn't. This was in response to both my own trauma and using my own avoidant attachment patterns - such as inhibiting affect, being socially facile, and a compulsive caregiver.

When someone gets triggered they have a strong emotional, physical, or behavioural response to a stimulus. This trigger is an activating event which causes the person to go into fight, flight, or freeze. Often, it comes from a perceived danger that is similar to a past experience rather than actual danger. A true autonomic response of fight, flight or freeze is involuntary and not something that can be controlled rationally, which is why triggers are often called trauma responses. A trigger can also be caused by actual danger, where the response is an attempt to protect you.

A trigger is not simply disliking something, feeling uncomfortable, or trying to stop someone behaving in a way that you don't like. It is a genuine response that in most cases is disproportionate to the event, when not in real danger, and not easily recovered from without help. I can think of times in my own past where I was triggered and responded with anger or desire to escape or an overwhelming sense of panic. These moments were far less common than the moments of discomfort I felt. These were characterised by feeling like I didn't like something or didn't want to do something, but there was no sense of being in real danger, or more specifically, believing I was in real danger.

Attachment and discomfort.

It is not unusual in the attachment field for people to mistake attachment wounds for attachment trauma. Many people, even with loving and caring parents, who had all of their physical needs met, have had some kind of attachment wound. These wounds are often linked to unmet emotional needs, being shamed or humiliated, feeling responsible for caregivers' emotions or not having a parent capable of supporting you when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable. These are not attachment traumas. An attachment trauma occurs when a child experiences real threat or danger to their life or physical wellbeing at the hands of their parents. Or a threat to the safety of their parents, which the child is a witness to, or the permanent separation from a caregiver that is experienced as a traumatic loss.

When a child experiences attachment trauma, they often have what is called unresolved trauma, which in the past was labelled as disorganised attachment, or sometimes uncategorised attachment. This type of attachment is far rarer than you would think, as many people who do have attachment trauma have a second caregiver who is protective. Therefore, the attachment trauma is not unresolved and instead the child has insecure attachment, which most of the time is simply an attachment wound.

Attachment wounds cause discomfort in adult life. They emerge in patterns of behaviour that are either anxious or avoidant, or alternatively labelled as coercive and avoidant. These patterns are the most commonly seen as responses to feelings of discomfort. A typical anxious response to discomfort is get emotional and cry, or try to control or manipulate other people's behaviour to re-establish attachment security. The threat a person feels in this context is not danger or a lack of safety but a feeling that their attachment needs won't be met or that the other person will abandon them in some way. If there is unresolved trauma the person will be triggered and the fight, flight or freeze response will be activated and the emotional, physical or behavioural response is far more extreme.

A typical insecure response to discomfort might be, if there is an attachment wound, an anxiously attached person getting moody when their partner is going away for the weekend and starting an argument before they leave. A trauma response might be to get violent or to burn their clothes or threaten to self-harm. See the difference?

Avoidant attachment patterns are characterised by suppressing emotion or trying to avoid situations that will activate strong emotions. In response to the discomfort of an attachment wound this might be trying to control situations by being a perfectionist, compulsively caregiving of others and making yourself indispensable, or avoiding conflict and acting like things are fine, even when you are hurt or angry. This person will often feel like they are never good enough or that they will be rejected in some way if they aren't perfect.

A typical avoidant response to discomfort might be trying to control the narrative and prove that you are right and the other person is wrong. It might be going quiet and emotionally withdrawing until the unpleasant feelings pass. It might be getting caught up in work or activities that help you avoid the problem, or person, so that you can hide your frustration, sadness or anger. This can also be done with comfort eating, exercise or personal development. A trauma response might be to pack your bags and leave without ever contacting anyone again, or become reclusive and choosing to stay away from people altogether, see the difference?

Getting comfortable with discomfort.

Audience attentively listens to a presentation during a conference session.

I recently attended a meeting where I wasn't sure if I would know anyone. I walked into the large room and quietly sat alone. The other people there all knew each other. They chatted to each other and despite two people introducing themselves, I spent the first twenty minutes sitting in silence, steeped in discomfort. I didn't want to run out and escape but I really didn't want to be there. One of my attachment wounds is a feeling of not being wanted which shows up especially when I am in groups. I have a fair idea where it comes from but despite this it still shows up as embarrassment, feeling like everyone thinks I shouldn't be there and as nagging voice that tells me I shouldn't have come or that I am going to be challenged and maybe asked to leave. I know, you wouldn't think it of me. This is not an attachment trauma. I am not unsafe and my feelings are not so overwhelming that I feel the need to fight, flight or freeze.

In the past, I often avoided situations where I would feel like this. If I am honest, I still often refuse invites to parties or work events. I just don't have the energy to deal with my feelings of being an outsider or the irrational thought that I am unwanted when I have a flare of my chronic health issues. However, I do know that this is an avoidant attachment wound and when something important happens, like the meeting, where I need to attend, I do. I sit in my discomfort, reminding myself, that this story is a child part of me, that I am not unwanted, that no one is looking at me and if I want to make myself feel included I can simply open my mouth and speak. In fact I have done that hundreds of times. I also remind myself that if the feelings get too much I can do the typical avoidant thing of getting up and walking away. I never do.

This is how I know that this is a feeling of discomfort and not a trigger. If it was a trigger I wouldn't be thinking at all. I would be in full-on reaction mode and pretty much everyone would know that something was up. When I am uncomfortable, no one really knows, just me, and that is because my default attachment response is to be avoidant. If I were anxious, everyone would probably know. I'd have most likely spoken to someone and told them how I felt, in the hope that they would look after me and make me feel better. If you ever people-watch at group events, you will spot this behaviour a mile off. The secure people will of course be relaxed and chatting or sitting quietly without a care in the world.

Over the years, I have had to deal with many uncomfortable moments. I've learned how to speak on stage, how to stand at the top of a classroom and teach, how to ask for help, admit a mistake or let my guard down and admit I know far less than other people might think I do. Pushing myself to deal with these moments of discomfort not only helped me to overcome many of my attachment wounds but also empowered me to try new things and be more willing to step outside of my comfort zone. More importantly, they helped to reduce my triggers because it helped me to expand my window of tolerance, increase my resilience, and enhance my ability to handle challenging situations.

Getting comfortable with the uncomfortable is one of the greatest tools you can have for being more comfortable with who you are. It will help you know the difference between something that is a trigger and when it simply something unpleasant that you don't like. It will increase your capacity to handle hard times and it will remind you that your attachment wounds are not proof that you are unlovable, unwanted or that you don't fit in. They are simply evidence that your parents, despite their best intentions, were not able to meet your emotional needs, and that has nothing to do with who you are or what you did or didn't do.

Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.

Love,

Elfreda x