Temporary relief over real change
- Elfreda Manahan-Vaughan
- May 21
- 6 min read
Using AI for coaching and therapy feels like help but it doesn't last.
Before I begin, I want to state that I don't usually use AI to create images. The images I use I always credit and are created by people. However, for the purpose of this post it seemed appropriate based on what I am about to write.
The struggle to find clients.
Over the past year I have had several conversations with other coaches, and therapists, who are finding the influx of new clients has slowed considerably. I am also in the position myself and I am also increasingly finding my clients are referring to ChatGPT when talking about their own personal development. Earlier in the year I did a training about the use of AI in education and a very worrying statistic was shared. The top use of ChatGPT in December 2025 was for therapy and coaching. In fact it even will show up in some online searches as an option for career or business coaching.
I am sure you have seen many people speak about the worry around using AI as a therapist and the dangers, especially when it fails to recognise risky behaviours that can harm both the user and those around them. It appears that currently, individuals who may have previously turned to professionals for support are using ChatGPT to answer their questions and help them deal with emotional issues. This is a worrying trend.
There is also an issue when it comes to attachment and developing secure relationships that AI cannot fulfil. AI cannot act as a transitional attachment figure and this is the only way someone with insecure attachment can develop secure attachment with themselves and others. What AI misses, and most people don't realise, is the relational part of coaching and therapy which creates the change. You can't develop a real relationship with a digital entity regardless of how good your prompts are.
The good and the bad.
Back in July of 2025 I wrote a post about using AI as a reflection tool. I still stand by that as I know sometimes we need a sounding board for our ideas and using AI to put your thoughts down can be helpful. I personally have used it to help me to formulate how to communicate with health professionals about my own chronic health issues. It can also be useful for finding resources on a particular topic that you are trying to understand. Although, when I last used it for information on the Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment and Adaptation (DMM) it was patchy at best and missed many of the details that are essential to understanding the model.
What AI can't do is give you a real-time reactions to what you are saying, even if you use the spoken version. In order to respond to you it has to do millions of calculations and searches to decide what the appropriate response is, rather then what a human does, which is respond instantaneously to the bodily sensation, tone of voice and lived experience that they bring to the interaction.
When a client sits in front of me, I am viewing their facial expression, body movements, tone of voice, I am remembering all the prior knowledge I have of them, I am noticing my own physiological reactions as well as tapping into my years of training and experience working with individuals. There is far more information in what is unsaid than what is, and AI cannot bring that level of presence.
Temporary relief.
Every person who is well-trained in attachment theory knows that people with anxious attachment will often give up their coaching or therapy when they feel seen and validated. This gives them temporary relief which is typical of the anxious/avoidant relationship that many of the individuals will have had with parents in childhood. They reach out for help when they are upset or overwhelmed, you respond and they no longer feel abandoned, so they go back to normal until the next problem surfaces. Unfortunately, this is a little like sticking a band-aid or sticking plaster over a wound that needs stitches. It feels like you have done something to help and it may feel a little better now that it is no longer exposed but it isn't going to heal without the stitches and the right treatment.
Over the years I have fallen into my own trap of temporary relief. Before the age of AI my go-to was books and courses. I would learn something new, have a lightbulb moment, start seeing patterns everywhere and feel like something had shifted. However, what I was missing was the understanding that the relational change occurs at the visceral level, a felt sense of safety, of attachment needs being met, and consistently being seen and validated by another. My intellectualising was making me feel a sense of control but it was only temporary. When the next problem hit I would be right back in the place of insecurity and anxiety all over again.
Things only began to change when I worked with human beings. When I was seen and validated in real-time. When I experienced the felt-sense of safety as another person allowed me to share my fears and trauma and I wasn't rejected but accepted unconditionally. In this context the agenda is different. AI wants you to stay in the conversation and will keep prompting you to answer, even if it is detrimental to your wellbeing. A professional wants you to be able to function in the world without their help. Their agenda is to get you feeling secure enough that you no longer need them.
The Transitional Attachment Figure.
As someone who works with clients to help them create security with themselves and with their primary relationships I have had to learn the importance of the role of the transitional attachment figure. This is not something that comes naturally to people with insecure attachment as it involves developing the skill of unconditional acceptance and the ability to provide secure attachment in the relationship. When people speak about the relationship in coaching and therapy as being the most important thing, what they are speaking about is this.
A transitional attachment figure needs to be bring a high level of presence to the interaction with their clients. They need to be open, honest, predictable and emotionally regulated. They need to stay curious and non-judgemental whilst at the same time being able to gently challenge their client without triggering feelings of abandonment, judgement or rejection. This is not simply in their words but in the felt experience of two nervous systems working in tandem to create both physical and psychological safety. This is not something that an AI can ever do as it will never have a human nervous system and cannot assess the response of the other person to their words, tone, body language and emotional response.
When someone uses AI as their coach or therapist they are often only getting one part of this process, the validation. This creates a feeling of relief in the moment because it feels like someone gets you but this can't, and won't, ever translate to your real-life relationships because we are reacting to more than just words when we feel safe or unsafe with another human being. If you want to experience permanent positive change you need more than just education and a sounding board. You need the felt-sense of safety that only another human body can provide.
This is why AI can never replace relational coaching or therapy. Unfortunately, it may take a while for the general population to catch on to this and sadly, if the statistics are anything to go by, for some it may be too late.
If you are interested in coaching psychology and would like to work on your own felt-sense of safety and how to bring that to the important relationships in your life then let's talk about a bespoke coaching programme for you. Book a free discovery session to get the ball rolling.
Thanks for reading, I hope our paths cross again in the future.
Love,
Elfreda
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