Shape shifting - the battle to be your authentic self.

Do you show up in the world or does the world tell you how to show up?

Image by Gleb Korovko from Pixabay

This blog post topic was prompted by two situations recently, both of which arose after working with two groups, one on stress-management and the other on self-awareness. Before I get into that I need to give you some background to how I am today as an educator compared to how I was when I started teaching 29 years ago. It starts with a very anxious 20 something year old who grew up in a home characterised by criticism and the fear of disgust.

How it started.

My mother was a wonderful women and everyone loved her. She was kind and generous, self-less with her time and always trying to keep other people happy. Unfortunately, as I have learned as a teacher of boundaries and people-pleasing this can often lead to resentment and passive aggression and yes, wonderful as my mother was, she was also that.

Living in a home with domestic violence means you have to find ways to establish a sense of control. My mother did this by trying to make everything perfect, including her children. I can remember be corrected for how I spoke, my pronunciation, for not being ladylike enough, for being too loud, for how I dressed, my weight, my hair my skin, intelligence and much more. I don't blame my mother for this, I think she thought if she could make me perfect she could protect me from some of the things she was experiencing because despite how we might deflect it, many of us see other people's treatment of us as our fault. The outcome for me was a child who was filled with shame and a deep-seated fear that I would say or do something wrong. It wasn't the criticism, so much, that affected me but the disgust I saw on my mother's face when I had 'let her down'. I became obsessed with trying to avoid that, focusing on being the kind of person I was supposed to be, whilst all the time hiding the person I was for fear that I would disgust my mother and cause her shame. I didn't want to add to the hardship she was already dealing with and because she, most likely, had anxious attachment, I didn't want to upset her because that is one of the fears of someone with avoidant attachment, like me.

How it continued.

When I started teaching, I was terrified. I was terrified I wasn't good enough. I was convinced that I was one mistake away from being shamed and that I needed to do everything right and never make a mistake. Unfortunately, I also avoided my feelings to protect myself from shame and couldn't let my guard down for fear of being vulnerable. Years into my teaching, I realised in many ways I was like my mother. I wasn't critical per se but I was always pointing out to my students what they were doing wrong or what needed to be better. I don't think I praised them much in those early years and I feel sorry that I didn't know how to do that. When I was teaching one day, not long after my mother had passed away, it dawned on me that I rarely smiled at my students when they did something right. I did what my mother did, a smirk that was hard to read. Thinking back now I think I was afraid that they would think they were perfect and that would stop them trying to be better. That was definitely my mother. Funnily enough I see it now in feedback from students where they tick boxes as apart of an evaluation and some will always give 4 rather than 5 when it comes to my knowledge or skills. When I see it, I am always curious, but I also sometimes think, 'you too'.

The present day.

Over the years I softened, I laughed more and praised often. I have tried to focus more on helping students improve, although, I know I need to continue to work harder on helping them to see how good they are. The biggest change has occurred in the past ten years and that has come about from the work I have done to develop secure attachment. Which brings me to where I started this blog and the two classes I taught recently.

After the stress-management course one of the participants sent me a message thanking me. It was incredibly kind and I am always grateful or people who take the time to do this. What stood out was their comment that what they loved about my class was how real I was, how I was honest and vulnerable and that was very relatable. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't delighted. This was such a far cry from any feedback in the past and it was testament to my work on myself to be my authentic self. I have worked hard to be true to who I am and to let go of the fear or rejection or not being good enough. I know I have lots to do and I know I will always be trying to improve but this was confirmation that I am on the right track.

This brings me to the second incident, which occurred in the self-awareness class. This is a six week course that covers core values and identity, cognitive biases, strengths, self-reflection and feedback, mind-body awareness and authenticity and legacy. I've loved teaching it and it has provoked some really fascinating discussions. One being the subject of authenticity and being your true self.

It was during the class on self-reflection and feedback. One participant said it was hard to get feedback from others and I challenged them to consider if there are ways you get feedback that isn't someone formally telling you what they think of you. Facial expressions, eye-rolls, passing comments and more came to mind. Thinking this way was a challenge as many said they didn't want to always take this on board and would rather think it was the other person's problem than something they should reflect on.

https://positivepsychology.com/johari-window/

We then moved on to choosing adjectives to describe yourself and what family members or loved ones might choose that could be different from those you might choose yourself. This was framed in the context of the Johari Window. For those unfamiliar, the Johari Window has four quadrants, that show how some aspects of us are known to ourselves and others, some are hidden and some are unknown to us but known to others and some now known by anyone, including ourselves. A comment was passed that other people might describe you completely different and if that was the case then you were either hiding a lot or not aware of what others see in you. It's fascinating to consider, especially in the context of authenticity. What followed was a discussion about how you can't be yourself all the time and that you have to be what a situation dictates.

Boom! There it was the ugly head of attachment insecurity and the misguided belief that if you are who others want you to be then you will be accepted. This was the point where the true purpose of self-awareness became apparent. Knowing yourself, accepting yourself and choosing to be who you want to be regardless of the environment. It was this point that behaviour became part of the equation and how you can adapt your behaviour to a context, such as not swearing or choosing to refrain from discussing certain topics but ultimately you can still be yourself, as it is not about how you are but who you are choosing to be.

Being your true self.

I pride myself on the fact that I try to be the same person regardless of where I am. I definitely still have to work on group social settings, as I still notice a feeling of needing to perform, a legacy from childhood, but overall I am the same person no matter where I am. Yes, there are varying degrees of depth. I am not going to share all the same aspects of myself in the training room as I would at home with my husband, and that is normal, but if you see me in either context you would still see me as the same. This is where my core values come in. I am open and honest, curious and respectful. I am not afraid to be vulnerable and I am often self-deprecating. If you ask me something, I will give you an honest answer even if it means letting myself down in the process.

You see self-awareness isn't just about knowing yourself, it is about choosing yourself. I have had to unravel my old self, and the story of feeling not good enough, to decide who I actually am. I have had to learn how to be vulnerable without shame and learn to accept the deeply flawed human being that I am. I can no longer be the shape shifter that I was as a teenager to avoid the disgust of my mother or to avoid the shame from feedback when I am less than what others expect of me. I would rather get a message to say I was real and someone hated me than they loved me and I knew I was being a false self. It's not easy and it takes work but being your true self is the ultimate in secure attachment and everyone has the capacity to develop it.

What are your thoughts? Do you struggle to be your true self and are you afraid of rejection? if you are then it might be time to work on your attachment. My calendar is open.

Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future.

Love,

Elfreda