In 1992, I fell in love. It was an intoxicating, all-consuming kind of love. It wasn't love at first sight, although it was instant attraction, the love was slower to evolve. Over a period of months, of endless conversations, heart-opening vulnerability and a fantastic meeting of minds, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, I was in love. What was even more extraordinary, to me at the time, was that it was reciprocated. Unfortunately, as young adults, it was also all-consuming and because it burned so brightly it could not sustain itself. Our paths crossed again a couple of times in the subsequent years but neither of us could see a way for us to be together, without maturity and life experience to contain what was so overwhelming.
The memory of all of this occupies my mind every time I see a romantic film or what appears to be an over-exaggerated perception of love, such as the 'love-match' described in series like Bridgerton. Humans are often preoccupied by the fairy-tale romance and the grand sweeping gestures of love, but for me, there is one key difference when it comes to real love, as opposed to infatuation, and that is that loving is someone is a choice. When the heady romance of infatuation dies down there is often an awareness of difference, of opposing values, of not wanting the same thing and it is at that moment we struggle to love what isn't there and things fall apart. For those of you who know me, you will know that my story of teenage love has a happy ending. Although 18 years passed before the timing was right, I did indeed marry my love and I am privileged to continue to experience that love every day.
As an attachment specialist it is not lost on me why I was so attracted to my husband all those years ago. Our insecure attachment fit like a glove, as we grappled with our attachment needs, and patterns of relating, pulling us closer together and also driving us apart. As I reflect on it now, I can see why we imploded all those years ago, with little or no understanding of what was under the surface driving our need to be together and, back then, separating us. What is different now, happily, is that with maturity, but also with a knowledge of the adaptive nature of attachment, we can see past the pattern of insecurity and focus on what was always below the surface, two people who deeply care about each other, who have similar values and complementary interests but most importantly a fundamental belief that wanting to be together stands above all else.
Understanding attachment means recognising that it is embedded in every interaction, it is not often the thing we think of first when we are angry or sad or filled with joy but I believe it should be. Without disentangling ourselves from what is simmering below the surface of our feelings, our needs, and our wants in a relationship, we are unable to find what is true in each other and what is true in ourselves. In order to love someone you have to chose to love them, you have to remind yourself why loving them matters but you also have to love them enough to accept that attachment insecurity is often the first thing you meet in them, especially in the most challenging moments. This way of loving is active, it is reminding yourself of why you love someone, why you choose to be with them, why you wanted to be with them in the first place. It is staying curious and present in each interaction so that you can sift through what is them and what are the many attachment strategies used for safety and connection. It is making a decision, together, to put your relationship first and asking yourself if what you do or say will bring your closer together or further apart.
None of this work can be done without vulnerability or trust in yourself and each other, the very thing that creates secure attachment. It cannot happen with openness, honesty, predictability and respect, key components of a securely attached relationship. And so, love is a verb. It an ongoing practice or choosing to love, of seeing past the surface to the person beneath. It is honouring your attachment needs both individually together and most importantly it is taking the time every day to remind yourself of how and when you fell and love, even if in my case it was 32 years ago, and taking the time to look at your loved one through those eyes every single day.
As you can probably guess, my husband and I are still very much in love with each other. I am also aware that I am lucky I am married to someone who is willing to do this work with me. I have had other relationships that were not like this and I can recognise now that it was in those relationships that our insecure attachment was all that tied us together and not the compatibility, understanding and shared values I have with my husband. When I work with my clients I tell them to watch out for the sparks and instant chemistry, as this is often attachment surfacing and not real love. Real love takes time, to get to know each other, to find your compatibility and to know that to stay together you must choose to love actively especially when your insecure attachment attempts to drive you apart.
Thanks for reading, We celebrate our anniversary this month which felt like a fitting time to reflect on love and attachment. With love, Elfreda
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