When you argue what is your intention? Do you argue to win, or maybe to prove something? Perhaps you are trying to control something that feels out of control? Or maybe you just want the other person to hurt as much as you do. Whatever the reason, the question you have to ask yourself is, 'what does this do to my relationship with this person?'
This is often a topic of discussion with my clients when they come to work on making their relationships more securely attached. It's rare for someone, who hasn't worked on this, to know they real reason behind why they are angry or what need they are trying to get met when they argue. Say for example, you have are anxiously attached. When you partner spends time away from you or appears to prioritise work, friends or hobbies over you, you will will feel anxious. This is because the attachment need of significance or proximity or even feelings may not be being met. Unfortunately, because you don't know that that is what you are feeling, you start and argument along the line of, 'you don't care about me', or 'you prefer spending time on (insert person/activity here)'. When this happens it is not unusual for the anxious person to also bring up past events, other evidence of that this is true and to even say incredibly hurtful things that they don't mean. If they are in a relationship with another anxious person the argument will escalate as their partner gives back the same. If they are in a relationship with someone who is avoidant, they will try to stay rational and prove that they other person is simply wrong or, if they get angry themselves, will eventually walk away because their own feelings will become too much to handle. Sound familiar?
In the aftermath, the anxious person may feel better having vented all their emotion but the avoidant person may be withdrawn and hurt because, for them, they didn't get to share their true feelings because they kept a lid on things for fear of being overwhelmed or ashamed. On the outside things appear to go back to normal but the avoidant person may be hiding behind a façade and acting like it's ok, when, for them, it really isn't. If in the event that this relationship ends, people will often be surprised, saying that they always seemed ok or even happy.
This brings me back to where I started, knowing the intention behind why you are arguing. Before you start an argument, you have to ask yourself whether the argument is going to make your relationship better or worse. You also need to consider what is it you're not getting that you think arguing will give you? I always like to bring this back to the 6 Attachment Needs, Proximity, Belonging, Significance, Sameness, Feelings and Being Known. Usually you will find that what you are really looking for is one of them. Instead of arguing, you can then state what you need and why you need it. For example, 'You've been busy a lot lately and I feel like we aren't spending enough time together, can we do something, just the two of us? I want to feel close to you and maybe like I am important too'. These types of conversations are the hard ones, it takes courage and vulnerability and trust in each other. However, once you start you will find that your relationship will start to feel closer and you will begin to feel that sense of secure attachment.
It is often advised that when you are angry that you should walk away and calm down. I would also add that when you walk away that you take time reflect on what is really happening with you, so that when you talk to your loved one, you are able to speak about what you need to make the relationship better. John Gottman, the relationship therapist and award wining author, says you need to put the relationship first. This has been both my husband any my motto throughout our relationship and when we do have a disagreement we focus on how to get our relationship back on track and we remind each other, and ourselves, that we want to be together and that comes before everything else. This changes how you argue, it also changes what you argue about because some things become inconsequential when placed in the context of the big picture of your relationship. It is never about winning, or being right but about being seen and understood. You can't do that if you are focusing on punishing the other person for their behaviour. You have to focus on why their behaviour impacts you, how it makes you feel and what you need instead.
Next time you are peed off with your loved on, ask yourself, 'what need is not being me for me in this moment?' Then ask, 'what do you need them to do instead and how does it make you feel when they don't?' When you've done that then tell them, rather than giving them an earful for not emptying the dishwasher or remembering you had a dental appointment. If you want the people around you to have emotional maturity then the best way to do it is to model it for them. If you are on the receiving end of the reprimand then stay curious. Tell them what you notice about their feelings and listen for what they argument is really about.
Lastly, if you need help with this then, get in touch. I know I am biased but I really can help you.
Elfreda
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