Recently, I've been reading the book No Rules Rules, Netflix and the Culture of Reinvention by Reed Hastings and Erin Meyer. Netflix does a lot of things differently when it comes to how they grant responsibility to their employees. If you are intrigued I recommend you give it a read or listen. What stands out for me, from an attachment perspective, is how they educate their staff to give and receive feedback. Also how they have created a culture of candour that prioritises success, openness and learning from mistakes, rather than shame or humiliation when something goes wrong. Secure attachment is open, honest and forgiving. It is a safe space to make mistakes without the fear of being shamed, humiliated or rejected, Sounds similar doesn't it? However, for Netflix one of the lessons they've learned to prioritise is the need to teach people about how this model of candour works within the company. How they focus on context and not on an individual's failings. Meaning, feedback should be to improve how a person or the company functions and not simply to criticise, vent or punish.
Receiving feedback isn't easy
It's quite common for most people when they receive feedback to become defensive, especially if their primary experience in childhood was being criticised for who they were and not what they did. Being criticised as a child always feels personal and is a threat to the safety of that relationship. If I am not good enough they may reject me. This is a survival strategy that harks back to our more animalistic history and the danger of becoming prey if you are separated from your pack. Males who lose in the animal kingdom often die when left to fend for themselves, watch any nature programme to see how important it is to stay within the safety net of your group. Children can't survive on their own so it is inbuilt in us to be good, to do what we are told, and to adhere to the wants and rules of our caregivers.
From the perspective of attachment this means doing what you need to do to be cared for or developing independence so you can do it yourself. Those of you who are familiar with attachment will probably spot that they first one is how the anxious individual does it and the second is what happens when someone becomes avoidant. Attachment theory tells us that our behaviour in these primary caregiving relationships, as children, is to be free from danger and to feel safe and as adults to also protect our progeny. It makes sense then that being criticised can cause us to become fearful and defensive when you think that your mistake is going to lead to rejection or punishment. It also highlights why so many of us keep our errors and failings secret, for fear of what other people might think.
Secure attachment
An extraordinary fact about secure attachment is that they don't experience their mistakes as something fearful, in fact when it comes to mistakes, they, to coin Carol Dweck, have a growth mindset. Think about it for a moment. If you were never made to feel ashamed, and always knew that there was someone there to help you, co-regulate with you and support you to learn and develop your own independence then it would make sense that you wouldn't be afraid to f*ck up and wouldn't worry that you'd be rejected for 'not being good enough'. Unfortunately, for most of us, this was not our experience, and Netflix learned pretty quickly that if you want people to be able to give and receive feedback, and to have a culture of candour, then you have to teach people how to do that. Lets apply this to a typical relationship to see how it relates.
Imagine this. You are angry with your partner because it feels like they are not seeing how hard you work, they don't get the emotional labour it takes to look after a home and a family and most likely hold down a job too. You just want them to pick up some of the slack without having to be asked and also to be a safe sounding board when you feel overwhelmed without acting defensive or taking it as an attack. If we apply the Netflix theory then each person needs to be open to feedback and to see it as a way to make their relationship better. This means, feedback can't be a personal attack, an opportunity to vent or a means to punish. It must hold the relationship and its success as tantamount. Conversations around how to receive feedback, timing of the feedback and active solutions are essential so that in times of high emotion things don't break down in to arguments and personal hits. This is why the assertiveness formula of communication is so effective as it starts with feelings, 'I feel', follows with the cause 'because' and ends with a solution, 'I need'.
In the context above this could look like having a conversation around feelings, how feedback can make you feel and what softens the blow. It could be sharing how much you love each other, how important the relationship is and how frustrations and irritations creates a divide between you, which you don't want. It can be asking when is the best time to have conversations about the relationship and the important topics that make the relationship stronger. This one avoids trigger points of arguments when topics are addressed in moments of stress and after a hard day. Being open an honest about your own feelings, your childhood relationships, and how they made you feel and what you need now to feel safe are also vital. Then, and only then, can you talk about the issue that needs to be addressed.
It starts with feelings
This starts with and explanation about feelings and rules about not jumping in, defending, or making things a personal attack, the usual, 'you are' or 'you never' type thing. For example, 'I am feeling overwhelmed right now, I know you think I worry too much but I am not sure you get how much responsibility rests on my shoulders. I know you feel the weight of responsibility too. Is there a way you could take some of the load when it comes to household chores or looking after the children?' 'I want you to choose this yourself, because if I give you a list, then it's just one more thing for me to do'. I also need to know that I can trust that it will be done and not have to chase after you or nag, these are all things that damage or relationship and impact our intimacy and closeness'. 'I need to know that when I get home, that children will be properly fed, the house will be clean and that I don't have worry about it'. Once you have shared with your part then it is important to allow the other person to share their perspective and to acknowledge their feelings, and to ask question about what sharing responsibility might look like. It is not unusual for some people to want to be looked after and not take responsibility for things, this is a hangover from insecure attachment. When we fix and deny people the permission to fail, a key aspect of secure attachment, they never learn to trust themselves or develop emotional maturity.
It would be remiss of me to add that some relationships are not safe and some people struggle to develop emotional maturity, if they have childhood or attachment trauma. In this case they may need to get external support and sadly in the case of someone with a narcissistic personality type may never change. However, for the majority of people creating a securely attached relationship that is open, honest, predictable and non-judgemental is sufficient to heal many of the old wounds of childhood and create and emotionally mature space that is accepting of feedback and willing to grow. If you read the above example and immediately said that that wouldn't work for you, ask yourself if you are basing that one your current experience, or replaying your own avoidant or anxious attachment patterns from childhood. Learning to be vulnerable is not easy, but it gets better when you are clear and explicit about your needs and most importantly your expectations of those around you. Netflix got it wrong quite a few times and the book is open about that but if there is one thing they have learned it is that to have a culture of candour you need everyone to know the rules, the context (making Netflix great in their case, the relationship in yours), and how to give and receive feedback without shame, judgement or humiliation. Give it a go, but remember you need to leave your ego outside the door.
Thanks for reading. I hope our paths cross again in future. Leave me a comment or get in touch about coaching.
With love,
Elfreda
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